It should come as no surprise to anyone that knows me that I have a juvenile sense of humor. I think dick and poop jokes are hilarious. To me, the funniest thing in the world is when someone farts in the middle of a serious conversation. Seriously, picture it right now: you’re at a wedding, the bride is giving her heartfelt vows and during a tearful pause comes a skrrrt, like an ad-lib in a rap song. That’s funny, y’all.

You know what’s not funny though? When you find poop when you were not expecting to (the same logic applies to dicks, too). I have a dog named Layla, a cute little 8 pound chihuahua who is my best friend/roommate. Every now and then, she leaves me a little “present” somewhere around the apartment and it’s never at a convenient time. It helps that they’re as big as a fun size snickers bar, which makes clean up easy, but It’s never a pleasant surprise.

I take my dog out a few times a day so she won’t do that, but every now and then it’ll happen. I always clean it up because I don’t leave my stuff around everywhere for people to see. I want to teach my dog good manners. Sometimes she picks up on it. It’s why I think she always wants to sit in the bathroom with me; I watch her go to the bathroom, so she figures that’s normal. It’s not, and I don’t let her do that, but she doesn’t know any better because she’s a dog.

Humans, on the other hand, should know bathroom etiquette. Hopefully. I don’t know. Occasionally people lose their damn minds in bathrooms that are not their own. We’ve all been to that one public bathroom that feels like it’s a Fear Factor challenge. There are some horrible things that happen in those bathrooms, unspeakable things. That’s why, if you’re like me, you prefer to do your business in the comfort of your own home because that’s where it’s safe. I’m hear to tell you, unfortunately, that’s not always true…

Did you know that 80% of crimes are most likely to occur in or near your home? That’s actually not a proven statistic, but I heard it in a joke about a blonde woman but it’s 2019 and I’m some level of woke, so I won’t do it. But when I think about it, it’s probably true in my neighborhood. There’s usually a crime happening in Hollywood at any given time. Hell, someone’s probably breaking the law right now downstairs for all I know and I wouldn’t be surprised.

I live in the middle of Hollywood, where the streets are made of gold and the gold is stained with pee. It’s kind of dirty, I’m not gonna lie. It’s not as glamours as it sounds. There’s a lot of trash, a couple of smells you can’t identify and some people dressed as superheroes. There are a lot of tourists walking down Hollywood Blvd, stopping every second to take a picture of one of the stars. I hate it sometimes. My favorite time to walk the boulevard is at night when there’s less people, only on the weekends it can be just as crowded.

A typical weekend in Hollywood can be fun if you’re willing to go to a loud bar/club and pay for over priced drinks. I don’t do that. I like to go to this spot called The Parlour Room. It looks like an old Jazz club, a classy hole-in-the-wall joint. No TVs, great bartenders and a chill atmosphere. It’s the best bar in Hollywood if you ask me.

On the weekends I like to kick it outside with Joey, the gatekeeper of Parlour Room, and there’s always some crazy person doing something on the sidewalk. It’s never a dull moment in my neighborhood, especially at night (because that’s when the freaks come out). Some of them are homeless, a lot of them are just stoned or drunk, but there’s always a commotion that carries on into the night. I’ll be sitting in my apartment at 2 am, listening to people act a fool outside. Sometimes the cops will show up, because down the street there are tons of them scoping out the boulevard. It’s fun.

This past weekend was like any normal, typical Saturday. I hung out at Parlour Room and afterwards went home with a friend who lives in my building. It was a fun night and I was in a really good mood. If you recall from my last post, I had just gotten back from Vegas and was feeling pretty down on myself, but that night I felt good. I was looking forward to moving on from all of that and seeing what the future held.

It was 4 am when I took the elevator up to my apartment, which is on the 4th floor. I love my aparment. It’s pretty chill, no one above me or next to me and I’m right next to the elevator. I wrote about it before in a previous post. I have good neighbors and clearly I really like the neighborhood. Then I found the wet pile of shit outside of my apartment door…

Immediately, I had a lot of questions. First of all, why? Second, how? Whose shit is this? Is it from a human or an animal? It’s pretty fresh, so when did this happen? Does anyone expect me to clean this shit up, because I’m not! Who would do something like this and why? Am I being targeted by someone? I had a few drinks that night but I knew I wasn’t drunk enough to imagine that.

However, I drank enough to forget about it because when I went to take Layla out for her morning walk, I found a bloody tampon on top of the shit from last night. It had not been there initially. That’s what made me mad… because now this could be a human, and it could also possibly be a woman now, too.

So I know I said I wasn’t going to make the blonde joke because of my wokeness, but I was a little upset to now add a female suspect into the mix because I didn’t think a woman was capable of shitting on a carpet. And that’s a really dumb example of sexism, so I want to apologize for that. Yes, women can shit on the carpet, too. I’d prefer they didn’t, but you know, shit happens. #Feminism

I called up my landlord, who’s a good dude to me, and told him the situation. “Hey man, just wanted to let you know someone (or thing) took a shit in the hallway and it’s kind of a problem.” I sent him a picture of it. A few minutes later, he gives me a call and asks if I could pick it up. And believe me, I tried… your boy put on gloves, discarded the tampon and attempted to wipe. Couldn’t do it, guys. It was seeped into the carpet. Instead, I put a box over it.

I sat in my apartment all day, thinking about how this could’ve happened. I want to crack this case…

I’m not a detective, but I like detective stories. So… If I were to look at this from a detective’s point of view, follow the formulas of past stories/movies, I think I can figure this out. So for the rest of this story, just imagine it’s in black and white, I have a hat on (because I do) and there’s light smoke in every room I walk in. Oh, and imagine I have a raspy voice, like a hardened detective who’s one job away from calling it quits. Imagine I’m Phillip Marlowe. If you don’t know who that is, think Jake Gittes from Chinatown. If you don’t know what that is, think Detective Pikachu and watch Chinatown because it’s a great movie. Ready? Ok, good. Here we go…

It was a windy Saturday night. The freaks were making their way through the boulevard, but not me. I was at Parlour Room, taking in the scene with Mike, my main man behind the bar. He fixes me my whiskey, always neat and always cheap. I like to feel the burn. It helps kill the demons. But that’s another story.

In walks this beautiful young lady. We know each other. She lives in my building a few floors down. We’ve become friendly recently, sharing a late night cap at the bar down the street. We’ll call her Roxie.

Roxie and I closed down the bar with Mike. The smells of the taco truck man greeted us as we stepped out into the night. Roxie wanted a quesadilla, but I have this rule, see… I don’t like to eat greasy food after 1 am. Especially at the food truck. Not after last time…

(cue flashback)

It was a year earlier, when I was younger and more naive. I longed for a carne asada quesadilla from the taco man, but this time I wanted to spice it up… I wanted him to add jalapeños to it. He sliced and diced that fresh green jalapeño and stuffed it in with all that meat and cheese. As I ate it, tears ran down my face, for this was the greatest indulgence of my young life. And then, at the crack of dawn, I heard the rumblings. Trouble was afoot.

I leapt out of my sleeping quarters and fell into the floor. Writhing in pain, clutching my stomach, I feared the worst… I’m going to shit my pants if I don’t get up. I pushed my way up off the ground and valiantly made my way to the bathroom. All the while I could hear the taco man, laughing as he put the jalapeños in. You’re gonna feel this tomorrow, he said. For the next two hours, I questioned everything I ever knew about late night munching. I braced myself, both in the moment and for the future… the future of no greasy food after 1am.

I politely declined Roxie’s requests to eat her quesadilla while we were in her apartment. We were both drunk and I wanted to be a gentleman. After a while, I headed up towards the elevators. The night guard only comes on the weekends, because you never know who could be outside. I tipped my hat to him and went about my way. His job’s not a glamorous one, but he keeps us safe.

As I left the elevator on my floor, I noticed something odd. First, the smell. Then, the stain. It looked like mud. It looked like a chocolate rabbit that had melted and still had a heartbeat. It looked alive. Judging from the splatter patterns, I astutely determined this was a shit and run, as we in the business like to call it. I had seen this before. It’s Hollywood, after all. There’s shit everywhere. But not like this.

I didn’t think much of it until the morning. I’d had a few drinks and needed to shake off the stink of the previous night. That’s when I discovered the used feminine product. That wasn’t there before. Whoever did this came back. Whoever did this had more to say. Even worse… whoever did this wanted me to see it.

I called up Moe, the landlord at the Mayfair. He was just as confused as I was, shocked even. He asked me to clean it up, and after an attempt to do it, I declined. Come on Moe, I’m a detective. This is literally none of my business. I have bigger things to figure out. First… what type of person would do this?

Let’s break down the type of people that take uncontrollable shits. Babies. Dogs. Sick people. People who eat a lot fiber. Drunk people. Now that we have our potential suspects, let’s rule out babies and people who eat a lot of fiber. Both would be asleep by 9 am and the shit and run most likely happened between midnight and 4 am. That leaves us with 3 types of people.

As a survivor of the flu and a one time food poisoning, I sympathize with the sick. No one likes being sick. It makes you want to curl up in bed and hope for the best. Sometimes, shitting your pants is one of the side effects and no one likes that either. But why would a sick person be at the elevator that late? Maybe a late night medicine run to CVS? It’s likely, but sick people are also lazy and lethargic. I don’t think a sick person did this.

I also don’t think a dog did this either. I should know. My dog friend Layla has done this before. I’ll admit I’ve been shamed for not picking up after her, but that was outside. Something tells me, if this were a dog, the owner would have done something about it. After all, dogs have accidents. Adult humans on the other hand, not as frequent. After consulting with Layla, I’ve come to the conclusion that this was no dog… this was from a breed of my own. Humans.

That leaves us down to one final possibility: this person was drunk. You see, alcohol can sometimes make you do things you wouldn’t normally do, like sing karaoke or call your ex and try to rekindle a lost love. It can also compel you to pull down your pants and go to town on the carpet of some innocent apartment hallway. This is our first lead.

The next thing to figure out: why the tampon? The piece de resistance. A smoking gun, maybe? I’m not a doctor; I’m an imaginary detective. But what I do know is that, generally speaking, tampons are most frequently used by women. And who would have access to a used tampon? Add to that, the shit and run would have been executed much faster with less bottoms to remove. Maybe, a skirt? This has to be taken into consideration.

This brings up a new question: was this a two person job? It is possible that the perpetrator of the shit and run had nothing to do with the tampon. Maybe the tampon dropper was a copycat of sorts, inspired by the events of the shit and run. It’s possible. It’s also possible that if a man did the first act, he told his girlfriend and she wanted in on it as well. Relationships are weird. That’s why I’m not in one. That, and because I can’t have nice things. Where have I heard that before…

Of all the things I thought about, one thing stood out: am I being targeted? This could just be an accident, a case of mistaken identity. But what if someone out there wanted to send me a message. They brought this shit to my doorstep. Did I do something wrong? Is this a shitty metaphor for me being a shitty person? Who have I wronged? And more importantly… how did they find me? There’s maybe one person I could think of who would probably want to do something like that to me, but even that person wouldn’t stoop that low.

I decided to box up the crime scene. Figured I could help save a few people the trouble of looking at it. Figured the landlord would come in and save the day. He didn’t come on Sunday. All day, all night, the box didn’t move. On Monday morning, the box was still there. Apparently the cleaners are coming on Wednesday. Still no sign of the landlord, who holds the key to possibly solving this.

The security guard only works weekends, meaning he’s incognito until Friday. Where he was and what he knows will have to wait. In the meantime, the security system in the building can give us a good idea of who came in the building and who came on the fourth floor. There’s only one problem… there are no cameras next to the elevators. Instead, there are only cameras at the stairs. There is no visual footage of the shit and run. This is going to be a lot harder to figure out…

To Be Continued…

Until Next Time…

SF

Life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of a man can invent – Sherlock Holmes

By now you guys probably know a few things about me. That I can’t have nice things; that I love sports; that I have a weird fascination for Halsey; that I have a gambling alter ego named Tommy the Mutt… actually, I don’t think I’ve really talked that much about Tommy. He’s a real person, sort of. He comes out every now and then, but he’s always been around. I guess I should probably give Tommy an origin story.

The moniker Tommy the Mutt has a simple origin story. Thomas, my first name (don’t tell my mom), is where I get Tommy, naturally. The Mutt comes from a couple things: my father is Irish and my mom is Latin, combined they made me. That’s one. It’s also for me being like a dog. Not in the way that I look, but because I’m kind of a dog. I’m loyal and pretty simple, but I’m also an underdog. I’ve had to overcome a lot of big odds in my life, so the title of The Mutt makes sense.

Tommy the Mutt, in a way, is like my alter ego. In the same way that mom has an alter ego — her name is Veronica, and you don’t want to meet her — I have one that comes out every now and then. Tommy is his own person and has, at times, influenced a few things I’ve done in my life. You see, Shea is a thoughtful guy, someone who wears his heart on his sleeve and wants to please everyone. Shea will ask questions and look at any situation through every possible angle he can find. Tommy is different.

Tommy is a little more bold, a little more confident. Tommy will walk up to the prettiest girl in the room and charge her for his time, because unlike Shea, Tommy has zero shits to give. Tommy will take a bet that he won’t dump a beer on his head for $20 because it’s an easy buck and he can use it to get another beer (true story). Tommy the Mutt is everything I wish I could be but also everything I’m ashamed to be. Tommy the Mutt doesn’t care about the odds; he came to win. He’s probably why good things happen, but he’s also the reason I can’t have nice things.

He’s also the reason for the story that follows…

About a month ago, my mom and my stepdad went on a trip to Las Vegas and I met them over there for a few days. I love Vegas. It’s one of my favorite places on Earth. There’s an energy there that I haven’t really experienced anywhere else. The best part about Vegas, for me, is the sports book in the casino. Now, I don’t usually gamble unless I’m in the right setting and Vegas is the ideal setting. Seeing as how I was there for a few days, I decided to put some money down on the games.

I love watching basketball, but if I can have some money on the game that makes it even more watchable. Not a lot, just $30 or so, mostly on multiple team parlay bets. In order for me to win, all of the teams I picked had to win. While my mom was in Cirque du Soleil, I was in the Bellagio sports book, with six of my seven picks correct. All I needed was the Los Angeles Clippers, an underdog, to beat the Utah Jazz and I would’ve won $7,000. I sat there, feeling pretty good about myself, when the Clippers gave up a 9 point lead with two minutes left and lost by six.

Now, about an hour before that happened, Tommy the Mutt came out and had an idea: what if I applied the same parlay strategy to March Madness, in Vegas? You see, a couple of years ago I correctly predicted that my Tar Heels would win the championship, and while I only scored two of the final four picks, I went 18-0 to start the tournament. Meaning on the first day of the tournament I did not miss a single game. Immediately, my mind started doing a lot of number crunching and I’m not good at math, but I would’ve made a killing that day had I been in Vegas. It was a no-brainer… I booked a hotel for two days, while sitting at the Bellagio, and felt really good about what I had done. Then the Clippers lost and, well, that’s where our story begins…

I have been a huge fan of March Madness since I was a kid. My favorite time of the year has always been March Madness, ever since I was a kid. I remember the first time I ever filled out a bracket. I was in the sixth grade, almost thirteen, and my history teacher gave us one in class to fill out for fun. Now, the Heels sucked at the time. We went 8-20 in the regular season, the coach was going to get fired and we weren’t going to the tournament. So I had to pick someone other than the Heels to win it all. That year, I went with Syracuse and I would like to explain why:

Our history teacher, Mr. Adams, was a die-hard Syracuse fan and we would talk about basketball a lot in his class. Earlier in the year he said, if you want to watch good basketball check out this kid Carmelo Anthony for Cuse. He’s going to be a legend. So I did and I loved what I saw. Cuse had three solid freshman that year — Melo, Gerry MacNamara and Billy Edelin — as well as good role players and a HOF coach in Jim Boehiem. They were a four seed in the tournament. I picked them solely because Mr. Adams put it in my head. The other picks, that was all me: Syracuse, Texas, Kansas and Marquette.

I have never gotten that close again in my life, although I have won three brackets since then because I put UNC at the top, no matter what. They have won three times: 2005, 2009 and most recently in 2017 (I’m not gonna discuss 2016, it hurts too much). Fun fact, Roy Williams has been involved in all four of my bracket wins. He coached the Kansas team that lost to Syracuse, and a few months later he ends up as the coach of the Heels. It’s funny how that worked out.

This year, Roy and the boys are back as a number 1 seed and are some people’s favorites to win it all (by some, I mean everyone that didn’t pick Duke). I think they have a good chance, but I wasn’t going to bet on the Heels. I don’t want to put any additional pressure on a game I’m already emotionally invested in. I call it my Pete Rose Rule, and you can interpret that any way you want. My mission was simple: I was going to bet on every game in the tournament, but only spending $100.

The tournament field consists of 64 teams — and four play-in games, but we’re not counting that — and by the end of the first weekend, only 16 will remain. The first day of the tournament has sixteen games air across four TV networks, with four games going on at once. We’ll call these quadrants. The plan was to bet $5 on a quadrant parlay, meaning I’d pick the outcomes of the four games and put five bucks down on it. There are 8 quadrants for the first round, meaning I was spending $40 on the just those bets. Other bets included upset parlays, 7-seed vs 10-seed and 8-seed vs. 9- seed parlays, and more. All in all, there were 20 bets for the first two days. If I won, I would take those winnings and put down more bets. Just like on the court, you have to play to win and you have to win to keep playing. It sounds confusing, but it made a lot of sense to me.

I stayed at the Westgate Resort, home to the largest Sportsbook in the country. It’s the sports gambling Mecca, and a place I wanted to stay at because of one simple fact: these guys make the lines. This is where the madness happens. I figured, shit, if I was going to go anywhere it might as well be there. Someone had told me that the Super Bowl is the most gambled on game of the year, but as a whole March Madness is twice that in comparison. I was hyped.

When I arrived at Westgate, the first place I went was the book. There was already a long line, and this was about 3:00 pm. I hadn’t filled out a bracket yet because I was waiting to get one there and fill it out in my hotel room. After a few hours in the room — and many hours prior to that looking at various stats and highlights of every team in the field — I finally filled out my bracket and had all of my bets ready to go. I took all of my potential bet slips and went down to the book… that’s when everything changed.

First of all, the guy on the elevator didn’t help things. It was my first conversation of the trip and it was with a doom-and-gloom Christian who went from asking me about my AirPods to telling me that the Lord was going to burn us all in the end because it’s the opposite of the Ice Age, and the only logical way to end it all is fire. I’m a nice guy, so I let him finish but you know what’s the last thing I want to hear in Vegas? That I’m going to Hell.

By the time I got out of that awkward conversation that lasted a few minutes longer than I would’ve liked, I made my way to the book and saw that the huge line had doubled in size. I stood in that line for about an hour when my AirPods died, and I had to stand in line listening to a bunch of people shout at each other for what seemed like eternity. Everyone yelling out bets they liked, arguing with nearby people about certain teams. Drunk people doing drunk things. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to not psych myself out. I had everything prepared and ready, I couldn’t turn back at this point.

By the time I got the clerk, I’ll admit I was a little nervous. I had seen people yelling at others for taking too long so I wanted to go quickly. I didn’t even get through my first bet before the guy at the counter lost his patience. Turns out, Westgate has a $10 minimum for March Madness, unless you filled out these SuperParlay cards that were on the other side of the book. I stood in that line for almost two hours, I wasn’t getting out of the line. It was at that moment that I realized I might have made a huge mistake. In the middle of a mild panic attack, I changed up my strategy. I put down $100 over 10 bets, bets that I had to pick and make up on the fly because I had slowly started to lose confidence in myself. I just really wanted to get out that line and catch my breath.

Now, because I planned on making twenty bets — and because I still had confidence in myself — I decided to get an additional $100 and play with that. I figured I’d win some money on first day, given how many different combos I had. Not to mention the hours I spent studying each team. I was watching tape on Murray State and Oregon, I knew the scouting reports for Yale and New Mexico State. I knew about the coaching styles and the conference records, strength of schedules, RPI, you name it. I was ready.

The night before the big dance I was met with a nice surprise: my uncle Tim was in Vegas for a work conference and was down the street at the Bellagio. I was glad to see him, of course, but I didn’t realize that this would be the only conversation I would have with someone for the next couple of days. We caught up on a lot of things — sports, politics, but mostly how life is going. Uncle Tim’s a reader of the blog, so much like you he knows the theme of me not being able to have nice things and he wanted to give me some advice.

As I was preparing for the game I let him in on a little secret as to why this weekend was important to me: I haven’t felt like a winner in a while and I was hoping this would kickstart a winning streak for me. Everything was going to be different after this, at least that’s what I expected. And there in lies the problem: expectations are not reality and they’re not good for you. And as my uncle so eloquently put it… Expectations set up an unrealizable view of success; it creates a fear of failure.

That about sums up my problem, in a nutshell. I expect things to turn out a certain way and I expect my life to be a certain way. Frankly, I haven’t had a lot of success lately to be proud of and, admittedly, a lot of that falls on me. It’s when I beat myself up that it becomes an issue, the feeling that I’m a failure because I haven’t lived up to my own expectations. Not that it’s a bad thing to have goals for yourself, because goals and expectations are not the same thing.

A goal is something you achieve, while the expectation is how you think it’s supposed to happen. I can find happiness one day, I’m sure, and that’s a goal of mine, but I may not find it in the way that I expect to, like say winning an Oscar by the time I’m 40. That’s probably not gonna happen, and it’s OK if it doesn’t. But if I expect to be there, you’d understand why I’d be mad if it didn’t. The goal for this Vegas trip was to walk out with some money, and as crazy as this sounds, I expected to leave with a lot of money. As you can probably tell, that’s not what happened.

The first day started off fine. My first two picks were solid, both covering their spreads and part of a $10 parlay worth $10,000 (all ten teams had to win). Auburn escaped New Mexico State with a win, and that was my first loss. I had New Mexico State to make it to the Sweet 16, where they would end up playing my Tar Heels (more on that later…). Coffee in hand, I made my way to the sports book with a big smile and a head full of expectations.

I’ve never been to a jungle before, nor have I been to the New York Stock Exchange, but if I had to describe the atmosphere of Westgate that day those two environments would come to mind. A bunch of degenerates running around with ticket stubs, shouting at large screens and staring at a bunch of numbers. People pushing each other, taunting each other. I saw a one guy thrown out of the book and it wasn’t even noon yet. There was nowhere to sit, standing room only.

The other problem with Westgate is how far it is from the Strip. Sure, it’s not too far but when you’re walking the streets of Vegas, it can take forever. I wanted to find a place where I could sit and watch the game, but there were hardly any places that would accommodate that so I had to stay at Westgate the whole time, which was a boring experience. As a matter of fact, I spent more time in my hotel bathroom than I did in the sports book. There were times I’d sit in the bathtub, smoking a joint and drinking whiskey from the bottle, thinking what the hell did I get myself into? Especially as I started to lose. That didn’t help things at all.

I knew it was gonna be a long weekend once Nevada lost. I had them tied to a few bets for Friday, including the 10×10, and they lost to Florida. It wasn’t all bad though, I did nail some picks: I had Yale +8 against LSU, Murray State over Marquette and actually went 11-5 on the day. The problem was I had a loss in each quadrant, and the point spreads were what really did me in. If I needed a team to win by 7, they won by 6. If I needed a team to keep it within 7, they’d lose by 8. I never got what I wanted. The closest I’d come that night would come late, as I put three college games with three pro games and two over/unders. Unfortunately, the Pistons/Suns game was 4 points shy of what I needed it to be and lost out on $400.

I had to check out of the hotel room on Friday and get my stuff to my next stop: Circus Circus, which is literally exactly what it sounds like. It’s really cheap, too. Because the games start in the morning, I decided to make my bets for the early games the night before at Westgate. Another $60 down the tubes. I woke up that morning feeling a little better. I wasn’t going down without a fight!

Except Ole Miss went down without a fight, and my drunk ass the night before was convinced Ole Miss was a good team. Nope. They were blown out by Oklahoma and suddenly, I was down to two final bets. No way in hell, I thought. I got my stuff out early, left my stuff in my car at Westgate and headed to Circus Circus to put down some bets. I had to make my way through a bunch of children and families, because this place is literally a carnival, but once I made it to the book I made a very interesting discovery: there was hardly anyone there and there was a $5 bet minimum. Basically, this is where I should’ve been the whole time. Yeah… I know. Who would’ve thought.

Seeing as how I was about to save myself a little bit of money, I decided to get a little crazy with my bets. Instead of four bets, I was going to put down twelve. I wasn’t going to put any money on the Heels, but I did put money on something I never thought I would: Duke to win by 28. You’re probably wondering how I could do such a thing — believe me, I feel the same way. That’s desperate I got. I had to side with the rival in order to boost my chance of winning. And for a while, it looked like that was going to pay off.

I had Duke tied to three different bets, the total of which had a max payout of $820. Before the trip started, I had expected to have made that much money the day before; at this point, I was more concerned with breaking even than anything else. But this is Duke, the supposed “best team in the country” (gross)… they should beat North Dakota State by forty points, FOH”… Normally, that’s what would’ve happened, but this is March Madness; there is no such thing as normal.

Duke won the game by 23 and just like that, my bets were out. I sat there in utter disbelief, ashamed of myself for going against everything I ever stood for (as far as college basketball is concerned). Those assholes would do this to me! I exclaimed, in real time, forgetting where I was. I was so close, yet so far. I felt like the unluckiest person alive, and as a way to ensure myself that I wasn’t the case, I decided to do something stupid.

When all else fails, always bet on black. I don’t know who said that to me, but it’s not good advice. It sounds like it, but it’s not. Still, I pulled out an extra $100 and put it down on black. Within thirty seconds, it was gone. I don’t know what compelled me to do that in that moment, but it scared me. I had to walk away. Maybe I really was the unluckiest person in the world… or maybe everything I was expecting to happen was going the opposite way. Or maybe I have a gambling problem, I don’t know. But in that moment I realized something: I’m a loser. I lost. I had to take that L and move on.

No one likes to lose, plain and simple. There are people out there who are like who cares, just have fun. Those people, in my opinion, are full of shit. No one competes for the fun of it, that’s weird. Like Herm Edwards said, You play to win the game! That’s it! I watch basketball because it’s fun, I put money on it because I want to win. Does it make it a little more fun to watch? Sure. But did I have fun watching those games last week? Nope.

I can’t say that I enjoyed my experience in Vegas. It was exhausting, both mentally and physically, and it made me feel worthless. By the time I got to Circus Circus I was ready to go back to LA but I had booked the room already and had to see it through. I thought there’d be a glimmer of hope somewhere towards the end of this trip and in a way there was, in the most unlikeliest of places.

I’m sitting at a karaoke bar in Vince Neil’s restaurant, on probably my sixth Coors Light of the day. Each person that took the stage wasn’t a professional singer, but they looked like they were having fun. They weren’t trying to score a record deal or anything. They just wanted to sing Piano Man. I loosened up a bit, sang a long with the crowd. I even laughed a time or two, which was a hard thing to do at the time.

My final night in Vegas was spent at a bar right outside of the Vince Neil restaurant, where a DJ was playing a good set for all of maybe three people. But two of those three people were in a dance off for the ages. This one guy, probably late 30s, is dancing with this cute girl in a jacket, about my age, and things seem to be going well. I liked his enthusiasm. He wasn’t overly creepy, wasn’t grabbing at her or anything like that. He was just dancing with her, like some sort of mating call. He eventually shot his shot, it was a miss, but he kept on dancing.

Maybe I’m becoming a little cynical. March Madness is a magical time, one that I look forward to every year. I love the first weekend of the tournament and I consider it the best event in all of sports. This year, it was ruined a little bit. It’s like when you’re a kid at Disney World and you see Mickey take his head off only to reveal a guy gasping for air as he lights a Marlboro. It’s a sad visual. A little bit of that joy is gone.

That drive home was a little longer than usual and it gave me time to think about everything. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I came up with that idea. It made sense in the moment. I expected it to be this fun time, where I’d win some money and meet some people and have a better story to tell. Instead, I was heading home with nothing. That’s Vegas, though. I’ll be back one day, I’m sure.

I saw firsthand how crazy it can get in those sports books. While I did lose money on all of my bets, I didn’t spend thousands of dollars on the games like I saw other people do. I saw grown men have to be escorted out of the book in tears. Lives can be ruined over something as stupid as a team not covering the spread and that sort of thing makes me think it’s not worth the risk. I know I like to joke that I can’t have nice things, but this is something that could prevent me from that if I’m not careful. I don’t wanna be that guy.

Initially, I chalked it up to me being a loser. I haven’t had the greatest year. I haven’t been able to land a steady job, I put my time and energy into things that didn’t work out… I’ve slowly started to lose confidence in myself. I need something like Tommy the Mutt as a booster shot, a way to pump myself up and get back in the game. I wanted to feel like a winner. As much as I wanted the money, I just wanted to say that I came, I saw and I conquered. The reality is, I am Tommy the Mutt. I don’t need anyone to pump myself up but myself. I’m already a winner, I just haven’t won anything yet (does that make sense?).

As I write this, the Tar Heels have been eliminated from the tournament by Auburn. That was something I didn’t expect to happen, either. In fact, Auburn’s first round win was my first loss of the tournament. It’s only right that they take out my team, too. I have no reason to watch the rest of these games now, and I’m a little relieved about that. Yeah, I’d love it if the Heels didn’t lose, no question. I’m just happy I don’t have to care anymore (at least until next year). The best news though? Duke lost, too. This is the best of the worst case scenarios, so I’ll take that as a win.

Life itself is the biggest gamble, the biggest game. Sometimes we make decisions that are well thought out and sometimes we don’t think about it at all and just go for it. People will tell you the key to success or happiness is following one of those choices, but it’s not as simple as that. Much like with the parlay spreads, you have so many different variations of what could happen that it’s hard to determine what will happen.

Originally, this story was gonna be a three part series about how Tommy the Mutt managed to beat the books in Vegas. That was the expectation. In hindsight, it was a stupid idea and as I’m editing this, I’m noticing the story isn’t that great either. I also expected this to be a good blog post, but it’s really just a bunch of shit (like the shit that’s sitting outside my door… next blog post?). Because, as my Uncle Tim put it, people gamble with their lives every single day. Instead of worrying how every bet is going to play out, why not just sit back and watch the chips falls where they may?

So that’s how I’m going to end this… it may not be what either of us expected, but the reality is this was a wash of a week and a wash of a story. I apologize if you read all of that just to get here and feel a little let down, but hey, no one’s perfect right?

Until Next Time… (which I promise will be better!)…

And Heels, Until Next Year…

SF

“I used to rule the world…”

Ah, Coldplay… we like you. We’re not sure if we like Halsey (some of us, at least), but we like you. Y’all have made some classics over the years and you even performed in the Super Bowl. “Viva La Vida” won Grammy’s. What a great song, right? It always resonated with me as I became older, though not so much when it was out back in 2007-08. Had I paid attention to the lyrics, maybe my life would have ended up much differently.

“Viva la vida” literally translates to “live life”, and it’s as simple as it sounds. JKL – Just Keep Living. Live it to the fullest. YOLO, you only live— ok, I have to stop with the cliches. Sorry. I just needed to explain why this is important. You should live your life and you should always try to live it the right way. You should look back on it and be happy about it, proud of it. And you shouldn’t have any regrets.

Unfortunately, this is a story about regret, a particular one in my life that I’m not proud of: The day I was expelled from Bayshore Christian School.

Now, before we go any further, I need to address something… this story is a little difficult for me to talk about, even today. There are times where it may get a little personal, and times where, if you knew me back then, you’re going to identify what’s going on. Names will be changed, but the events are going to be told the way they happened. The honest-to-God way they happened. It’s been over a decade since that week… it’s time I addressed the situation and made peace with it.

Bayshore Christian School. The longest relationship I ever had, outside of my own family. Over the course of twelve years my life would change a lot, but one thing would always stay the same: every day I put on a BCS uniform and every day I was there from 7:00am to 5:00 pm. It was the only life I knew, and it’s a miracle that it even happened.

You see, while Young Shea was a vivacious, fun-loving kid, there were some that thought other kids wouldn’t necessarily warm up to him. For example, I went to Kindergarten twice. You’re probably wondering how stupid you have to be to repeat kindergarten, but the answer is dumber than you think. Apparently, I wasn’t “socially ready” for the first grade. Those of you that know me are probably laughing, but it was for real. And no one felt more shitty about it than my mother.

My mom has always been my biggest supporter. No one loves you more than your mama, right? Well mine is no exception. In fact, she’s the standard. She has worked her ass off and sacrificed so much to give me and my brother the best life we could have that Mother’s Day simply isn’t enough. She deserves a parade every year. It’s only fitting she was born on the Fourth of July, because the fireworks are for her (her words, not mine). My dad is amazing too, and my step-parents are vitally important in my life as well, but this part is about my mom, and I want y’all to keep that in mind.

After my second stint in kindergarten ended with my mom being told she wasn’t Catholic enough (true story), we had to find me a new school. Public school, for some reason, was out of the question. I guess my mom thought kids would bully me, and the only time I was ever in public school I was put in a special education class. I may not be smartest person ever, but I wasn’t exactly a good fit in there either. Private school was her choice.

We went to several schools the summer before first grade, and each school turned me down for different yet similar reasons. At each visit, I would have a one-on-one with the principal and then take an aptitude test in his/her office. Then we would wait in a hallway while they processed the results. It was almost like a job interview, which is funny because this is exactly like my life right now. I might have potential, but I’m probably not a good fit and I should just be happy to be considered.

Bayshore was five minutes away from my mom’s house, and that’s exactly how she stumbled upon it. It was a last resort of sorts. We set up a meeting with the elementary school principal, Mrs. Erickson, and we prepared for another round. Mrs. Erickson is one of the nicest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. She gave me a chance when no one else would. Not only did she want me at Bayshore, she said I was someone that could leave a mark at the school. In a way she would be right, although not in the way I’m sure she meant.

Attending Bayshore was probably the best thing that could’ve happened to me. It was a place where I could be myself and feel accepted for who I was. No one bullied me, no one made fun of my face. Sure, the first few months in first grade were tough to get through initially, but by Christmas break I had so many friends. I wasn’t just the kid with the face anymore; I was Shea Freeman. A Bayshore Christian Faith Warrior.

I was also the class clown. You see, my sense of humor is something that has gotten me through a lot of tough times. I can make fun of myself better than anyone, and I do that because if I can laugh at myself, then it’s OK. I just wanted everyone else to laugh with me. The more laughs I got, the cooler I seemed. However, it also sent me to Mrs. Erickson’s office quite a bit, where I would get a paddle to my ass.

(Fun story about my first paddling: Mrs. Erickson had warned me prior to starting BCS that if I acted up, I would get paddled. She even showed it to me. I knew exactly what was going to happen if I got in trouble, yet I still did it anyway. I remember leaning against her desk as she held the wooden paddle. My mom sat in a chair, watching the whole thing. She had this look on her face, and it screamed yass, queen. She loved it, so much so that she took that idea and ran with it. She had my stepdad make paddles, one for me and one for my brother, with our names on them. Thanks, Mrs. Erickson…)

* * * * * * *

“I used to roll the dice…”

After five years of elementary school — and God knows how many paddles — I was on my way to middle school. Bayshore was K-12, so I knew what to expect. I knew the teachers and boy did they know me. They had heard stories, as one teacher put it. Junior high was not exempt to my shenanigans, either. In fact, I was just getting started. Ask Mrs. Geer, my middle school English teacher.

Mrs. Geer’s class was right before lunch and about 10-15 minutes before the bell rang, she would go to her car and get her microwaveable Michelina’s. She also had all of these stuffed animals in her room, specifically one named Vora, short for Voracious. She loved that blue “thing” (I’m not really sure what it was. When you’d asker her, she’d say it was an adjective).

One day, while Mrs. Geer was getting her lunch from her car, we decided to “kidnap” Vora and leave a ransom note that threatened to never give him back unless a test was cancelled. It wasn’t cancelled. In fact, she was going to give all of us a zero on the test if the doll wasn’t returned. And everyone looked at me. After all, it was my idea in the first place. We banded together and all came forward with Vora. No one got in trouble.

By high school, my reputation was solidified. I was a good student academically, but I had a hard time staying focused. I was more concerned with having a good time than anything else. The world was my oyster and Bayshore was my playground. I could walk blindfolded through that school and never stumble. I wouldn’t say I was a trouble maker, though. I knew the rules; I just wanted to play by my own most of the time.

I got away with a lot at Bayshore. I was like a superhero and my super power was invincibility. Sure, I was a handful at times but I wasn’t necessarily a bad kid. I was given a lot of chances because they liked me. They cared about me. I can’t stress that enough, because even though I butted heads with authority at times, I still respect them to this day.

One of those teachers was Mr. Fernandez, my high school English teacher. I think I can speak for everyone at Bayshore when I say that he was everyone’s favorite teacher. He had a gravely voice that came off as stern, but he was the nicest guy. He was a serious teacher but he was also a jokester who would get candid with us at times, telling us wild stories from when he was younger. He was a great storyteller, man. Of all the teachers I ever had, he probably had the most impact on me. I wouldn’t be writing if it weren’t for him.

Funny story that happened in his class… it was my the first semester of my Freshman year. We were all assigned numbers in his class. Mine was 15. He used these numbers when giving out our grades. He’d write our numbers on the board and put our grades up next to them, and because this was a small class — the school itself was tiny, barely 90 people in the high school — we all knew each other’s numbers. We all knew each other’s grades.

Interim grades were always the precursor to how your actual grades would look come report card time. If you were doing fine, you had nothing to worry about. If you were like me, the interim grades were a reminder to cut the bullshit and get to work. This one girl in class — we’ll call her 13 — had a 9. Guys, she had a 9… I laughed so hard and we all kinda ribbed her for it. Mr. Fernandez looked at me and smirked. He wrote down my grade on the whiteboard: 5. Out of 100. I’ve never been good at math, but that can’t be good.

Gee, how dumb do you have to be to get a 5? Mr. Fernandez continued to use that 5% to prove a point. He was going to embarrass the hell out of me, and he did. He would break down sentences on the board, and he would use a story throughout the lesson.

The student didn’t want to pay attention in class, and the student was kicked out of school.

Without a high school education, the student will not be able to find a job.

After many unsuccessful attempts at landing a job, the student found a home under a bridge with his “friend” Bubba.

Everyone thought that was hilarious. I did, too. Sort of. As you can tell by now, I’m not shy when it comes to making fun of myself. But it didn’t stop there. I sat in my seat for the next half hour, seething, watching as sentence after sentence was used to describe my future. I was determined to have the last laugh.

After the bell rang, I approached him and told him I was going to bring the grade up. He didn’t even look up. He just smirked down at the papers he was grading and muttered “prove me wrong, then”. Four weeks later, I had pulled my grade up to an 80%, and I never went below 90% in his class again. I like to think I had earned his respect after that. He even lobbied for me to join the AP English class my senior year, even though I never signed up for it.

Despite my “bad boy mentality”, I was a pretty good student academically towards the end. I had a over a 3.0 GPA, at least, for the majority of high school. It should have been higher, honestly, but I didn’t apply myself enough and I know that now. One of my cousin’s was like that, too. My uncle had asked me to tutor him when I was a senior, because he was a freshman and needed to learn the ropes. Who better than me to get him through right? I’m a loyal guy, and family means everything to me, so I had no issue with helping one of my own.

My senior year was a pivotal time in my life. A last ride of sorts. You know that guy from high school that was so cool and you look at him now and you say to yourself, Damn, what happened to that guy? I’m not saying that guy is me, but if you feel that guy is me, I wouldn’t blame you. Because while I had my fair share of fun during high school, my senior year is also the single greatest cautionary tale at Bayshore Christian School.

While the year started off great and I had some pretty good moments, it was also when I endured my first break up. Anyone that knew me back then knows how I hard I took it. I’ll admit, it bothered me a lot more than I let on. Five months to go in the school year, and I have to see her everyday? I couldn’t wait for graduation. I had officially come down with a case of senioritis.

“Senioritis” is a condition that effects high school seniors. It’s fairly common and has a 100% infection rate, usually as the senior year winds to a close. I was hit pretty hard with the virus, and the break up only intensified it. I stopped going to the weekly chapel service every Monday, instead going to get breakfast at Chik Fil A. When I didn’t want to be there, I would leave and go home for a little bit. I came and went from that school as I pleased. I found loopholes, had to charm some faculty, but ultimately I always found a way to cure my senioritis. For a while, at least.

At home I wasn’t any better. I was almost nineteen and I had picked up smoking cigarettes. I’m not proud of it, but then again who is? Who looks at their son or daughter and says, “My boy smokes cigarettes… I’m so proud of him!”. I started drinking, too. I had figured out a way to get liquor and kept it in my dresser. It started out small and it didn’t resonate with me that I was starting to spiral downwards. It’s like pulling on a loose thread on your shirt: it’s not big enough to cause any damage but the more you pull and the more it rips, the bigger the hole will get.

Eventually the school started to take notice of my insubordination. The only problem was they couldn’t really prove any of it. Still, they used it as an excuse to scare me into getting my shit together. They wanted me to start attending youth group again, but that wasn’t going to happen (and I’m not going to explain why out of respect for those involved). It was a month before graduation. I was just ready to go. Bayshore had been great, but it was holding me back. I wasn’t that seven year old kid anymore.

I remember saying to some friends during lunch, a few weeks before summer break, that when I left Bayshore it was gonna be with a bang. People were going to remember me. I was going to be a legend at this school. I’d been there for 12 years. Six other students in my class had been as well. They called us “survivors”. I had survived Bayshore Christian. At least that’s what I thought…

* * * * * * * *

“One minute I held the key… Next, the walls would close on me…”

You guys know the story of Icarus? I don’t. I don’t know who Icarus was or why he did what he did, but all I know is he flew too close to the sun and he burnt his wings. He thought he could just fly right through it or something, which is really stupid when you think about it. It’s only fitting that I bring this up because much like Icarus, I did something equally as stupid and did not think it through.

It’s a week before our graduation. The seniors are basically finished with school except for an exam or two. We did our last senior lunch and then were given our caps and gowns. We’re all signing yearbooks and taking pictures. All of my friends I’d grown up with, reminiscing about all of the good times we had. We rehearsed for our intimate ceremony, which I will say is a really nice thing. You see where this is going, right?

I remember walking with a friend, an underclassman, during one of these end-of-the-year school functions going on in the gym. We were laughing and talking about basketball when he asked me to stand outside and play look out for him. I didn’t know what he was talking about, but he came out from a classroom with some pieces of paper. It was an exam.

Apparently, he had gotten a master key from another student, who got it from another student, so on and so forth. He said I’d be the perfect guy for the key because I knew how to get in and out of the school without anyone caring, and he wasn’t wrong. I would leave my stuff at Bayshore all of the time and come back whenever I felt like it. The maintenance guys knew me and never said anything. I could go in through the front gate or, worst case scenario, the gate by the church office was always unlocked. ALWAYS.

Why would I steal an exam? My grades are fine, I’m going to graduate in a few days. That makes no sense. This is the smartest thing I would ever say. It’s just a shame I didn’t follow my own advice. Unfortunately, I had found a reason to do it and it had nothing to do with me…

Remember that cousin I was tutoring? Well, he was kind of dropping the ball, in English of all classes. That was my best subject and Mr. Fernandez had a pretty easy class if you just applied yourself, which my cousin didn’t. I’m sitting at Beef O’Brady’s with a couple of friends when his dad called to rip me a new one. Apparently, it was my fault my cousin was failing the class, even though my other cousin was doing fine and I was also tutoring her. He threatened to send him to a military school if he didn’t get his grades up, and the only hope he had left was acing his final exam.

Luckily, Mr. Fernandez had the easiest tests. They were all handwritten, usually the day before in class. He would make copies right before the exam, and he’d even leave one for himself. He obviously knew all of the answers, so his mind was his answer key and he’d fill out the answers while we took our test. We would all try to beat him, but we never could. Kind of impossible, actually. He’d grade your test in class and write down your score by the time the bell rang. It was a well oiled machine, and I knew exactly how it worked.

As I sat at Beef O’Brady’s, staring at a basket of curly fries, I had an idea. At the time, it was fool-proof. I was going to go into Mr. Fernandez’s room later that night and take the test. Just the questions, though. I was going to put them onto flash cards and make him find the answers himself, using his own notes. He’d study it for a few days, get it engrained in his memory and then get every question right because he actually studied. It wasn’t cheating, per se, but it also wasn’t a great idea, either.

I had to convince my friend to give me the key. He asked the previous “owner” if it was OK, and the agreement was that I was going to pick up a few other exams as well. Here’s the thing, though: I was never going to do that. I only said I would so I could have the key. I didn’t give a damn what they wanted me to do, because if they wanted it they could just go it get themselves. I was looking out for numero uno.

I wish this part of the story was more like a heist movie, but the truth is I had no problem getting into that room. I even parked in the front parking lot of the school. I saw the maintenance guys and one of my friends with her mom, a teacher at the school. It was normal. They just assumed I left something, which I always did. I walked upstairs, down the hall to Mr. Fernandez’s room and took the the exam sitting on the podium. Get in, get out, get on with it. There was only one problem…

I LEFT THE F****** KEY IN THE ROOM…

I was on my way to FedEx to make a copy of the test when I realized the key was gone. Immediately, I went into panic mode and raced back to the school. This time, I was actually trying not to be seen so I parked the car behind the church. The church door was open (as usual) and I went up to the hallway. Sure enough, the door was locked. The key was on the podium, right where the test was supposed to be.

(Side note: This is something I just thought about that I didn’t think of before… if I was going to make a copy of the test, and I had a master key to the building, why wouldn’t I just make a copy in the school library instead of going all the way to FedEx and going all the way back? I always have to make things difficult!)

I went over to my buddy’s house, who didn’t go to the school anymore and would let me smoke on his porch. He was also pretty good at problem solving, at least compared to me. I had asked a couple of other friends that I trusted if they had a key (dumb idea). I wondered if there was a way I could pick the lock. If I could just get that door open, maybe I could salvage this train wreck of a senior year. I wondered if I prayed a little bit, would God help me continue this crime I’m committing right now?

After I shredded the test at my mom’s house, I went back to Bayshore. It was about 1:00am at this point. I tried so hard to get into that room. I had YouTubed picking a lock on my computer, and while I remembered the gist of it, this lock wasn’t going to open and I wasn’t a real criminal. Just a dumbass nineteen year old in a black jacket. I pounded my head against the door in frustration. I sunk to the cold tile in defeat. This was it. This was the end.

I sat in that hallway all night, staring at the door. I thought about my time at Bayshore. About all the things I had done. The things I didn’t do. The good times and the bad. The trials and the tribulations The triumphs and the failures… they were the best years of my life seen through the lens of one of the worst nights of my life.

My last ditch plan was to get back to the school in the morning, before Mr. Fernandez got there and get the key from the podium. I figured the janitor’s wold let me in, no problem. I wrote a note for my brother on the shower door to violently wake me up. I didn’t have to be at school that day, so there was no reason for me to be up. In reality, I should have just stayed up all night and never gone to sleep; because in reality, my brother never read the note to wake me up. And I never got into the room.

Word quickly spread about the key and the missing exam. Naturally, Mr. Fernandez was furious and demanded an explanation from the Freshman class. No one knew who did it, so no one had anything to say. Well, a few people did. Soon more people did. Rumors spread fast when there are barely 100 people to tell.

They always say it’s a bad idea to return to the scene of the crime, but criminals always do it. I’m no exception. I went to bring lunch for a friend when a student came up and showed disdain towards me. She was counting on me to get one of the exams. She had heard from so-and-so that I was stealing exams for everyone, like some sort of High School Robin Hood. If random students knew, so did the faculty. Time was officially running out and running out very fast.

I had one exam to take before I graduated. Ironically, it was an English exam. It was also my last day of school. All I had to do was finish the exam, wait out the class and get in my car and never come back. At this point, it had been two days and no one knew who took the exam. I sat at my desk sick to my stomach. I waited for Mr. Fernandez to write down my grade. 91%. The top score. A small victory in what will otherwise go down as my biggest failure.

I wasn’t halfway to my car before it all came crashing down. I’m not going to get into too much detail because it’s hard for me to talk about and, honestly, I’m not trying to ruffle any feathers. What happened that day happened that day, and I can’t take that back. Essentially, after talking to a teacher I TA’d for that year, I felt really guilty and admitted to taking the exam. That’s the story, and that’s what really happened.

Before we went to the principal’s office for my execution of sorts, our youth pastor went with me to Mr. Fernandez’s room. After congratulating me on graduating and on how far I had come since my freshman year, I told him that I took the exam. He was shocked. I don’t want to say I was one of his favorite students, but he and I always got along. He liked me and he liked how seriously I took his class. He knew I was tutoring my cousin, so it started to make sense. He just couldn’t believe it.

You dumbass! You should have just asked me for it! I would’ve given it to you! He’s right, you know… I am a dumbass. That’s why I can’t have nice things. That’s the main reason.

I said I was going to leave with a bang, and I did. Only the bang was me shouting obscenities while throwing books from my locker and screeching out of the parking lot like the bad guy in an action movie. I had been expelled, on my last day of school, four days before my graduation. You can’t write a better ending than that, except it wasn’t a happy ending. There is no happy ending to this story, unfortunately. It’s like that famous line in The Dark Knight: “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was call my mom and tell her I was not going to be graduating. This woman — this Godsend of a woman — had suffered through nineteen years of my bullshit and even though I was a handful, she has never not loved me. She was “SuperMom” to all of my friends. She did everything she could for me and went to bat for me whenever things got rough. This graduation wasn’t for me… it was for her. I took that away from her, and I still feel terrible for it.

I’m not mad at you… I’m just very, very disappointed. I will never not forget the way those words cut deep into my heart. I cried in my car, knowing full well that I had let down the one person that I could never let down. It made me wonder what everyone else was going to say, what my friends were going to think. The storm was coming and I was not prepared for it.

I sat at Westshore Pizza, a couple miles from the school. A lot of people came by to check on me over the course of the day. They told me to keep my head up and to stay positive. Some came in and wanted to know what happened, while some already had heard a version and wanted to know what was true and what wasn’t. Some even went as far as trying to petition the school. I appreciated all the love that day, even though I knew in my heart that I had made a mistake and I had to pay for it.

Initially, I had been expelled from the school and would have to redo my senior year. As the day went on, I had to talk to the school through my youth pastor, who was giving me information on what was happening. They wanted to know who I was getting the exams for and who else was involved. They brought up my friends, my family. I wasn’t budging. They threatened to make all the seniors retake exams if I didn’t give up more information. They almost there criminal charges at me for breaking and entering. There was a lot that wasn’t resolved.

At the end of the day, the punishment that was handed down to me was this: I was able to graduate, I just wasn’t able to walk in the graduation. The reason behind this was I had taken the blame not just for taking the exam, but for other things that had been taken over the course of a few months. I was an easy target to pin it on, too. I never did any of those things though, but I know who did. For the record, I never told the school this. That didn’t stop people from dragging my name through the mud.

This rumor that I “snitched” on people is ludicrous. Usually, snitches get reduced sentences. They don’t get as much punishment. That never happened to me, because the snitching never happened. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons I owned up to it was my youth pastor telling me that I had already been sold out by one of my “friends” (who I will not name, even though this person knows what they did). Again, I can only speak for myself on the matter, but I can say with 100% honesty and sincerity that I never threw anyone under the bus but myself. That’s why I took the blame, and that’s why I got the punishment I got.

* * * * * * * *

Imagine you’re running a race and fifty feet from the finish line you trip over yourself, and you can’t finish the race. Now, imagine the next race you run in you tripped up coming out of the gate, still reeling from the fall in the last race and watching the other racers blow past you. That’s the best way I can describe my exit from high school and my entrance into the real world. I don’t want to say that moment at Bayshore defines me, but for a time it most definitely did.

That first post high school year was hard. I had a new reputation, one that I earned, but one that was hard to shake. I lost respect from people. I wasn’t allowed to go to my graduation, but I was allowed to go to the graduation next year. I did. I don’t really know why, maybe it was I genuinely wanted to show support. I sat in the balcony of the church during the ceremony. It was a great night, one those kids earned and their parents deserved. One I didn’t earn. One I didn’t deserve.

After the graduation we all would mingle on the courtyard, the “red top” as we would call it. It had been a full year since I sped out of that parking lot, a year since I cussed out the school’s office from that very red top. Back to the scene of the crime. I was quiet at first, trying to fly under the radar. But this was Bayshore… there’s no way I, Shea Freeman, was going to go unnoticed.

A lot of my old classmates were in attendance, so it was like a mini reunion of sorts. A lot of us still kept in touch, but it was the first time we were all back at school together. At our second home. Some of them obviously knew why I was nervous, and in typical fashion they would make fun of me to ease the situation. I needed that. It made the whole night better. I saw a lot of people that I called “family”. Because at Bayshore, that’s exactly what it was.

It was great seeing Mr. Fernandez, too. I had still felt bad about what I had done, but he told me to move on from it. You live your life and you learn from your mistakes… and then you move on. I still say that to this day. I saw him again on a couple of occasions. The last time I saw him was while I was pumping gas. He gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. At the time I wasn’t sure but I told him I was in school. Are you still writing? I wasn’t. Ah! That’s a shame! I always thought you had potential. You should start writing again. We said goodbye and see ya later, although it was the last time I would ever see him. He passed away about a year later.

I did start writing again, obviously. Mr. Fernandez was the one who encouraged me to do so, as far back as freshman year. He recommended me for the school paper to write movie reviews when I didn’t even want to do it and there was literally a future film critic on the staff (Shout out to Monica Castillo, who is a FANTASTIC writer with great film insight). He put me in that AP English class. Initially, I didn’t think I belonged in there. I was the class clown and all of those kids were the honor society kids, and they were pretty shocked to see me too. I just didn’t see how I fit. He did. I’m still trying to figure out why.

It’s been over ten years since this all happened. Those eleven years have had a lot of ups and downs, and I believe it started in that hallway on that warm Tuesday night. It was the end of one story of my life and the start of a new one. I went from being an inspirational tale of overcoming the odds to a cautionary tale of never flying to close to the sun. I am Icarus, only without the wings. Those are nice things I can’t have, and neither could he.

People can say what they want about me. That I talk too much. I’m a little dramatic. I can be a little too cocky at times. I’m kind of a dumbass. I don’t use my head as much as I should. I’m a procrastinator. I’m an underachiever. I’m a big disappointment considering all of the things I’ve been through. One thing I will not be called, though, is a liar. I take pride in being upfront and honest with people, even if it gets me in trouble.

If that day did anything to solidify my reputation, it’s that even when faced with the option to lie and skate away like I always did, I chose to own up to my mistake and take the punishment like a man. I chose to not run from the truth, that I had done this to myself and I deserved what came next. I believe in accountability; if you did something wrong, admit it. Because the guilt you carry is going to gradually weigh you down forever. I carry mine with me everyday, but I can at least go to sleep at night knowing I have nothing to hide.

I want to say I learned from that mistake, but the truth is that it’s hard to know. Sure, I never broke into a school ever again but that’s not the point. If anyone is going to learn from it, the current students at Bayshore will. I know for a fact that I have been used as an example for the senior classes that came after me. Don’t get too cocky before the finish line, because you never know what can happen. Maybe that’s the lesson in all of this. Maybe I did do something good, even though I did something terribly stupid. I’ll take that, I guess.

As much as I want to say something bad about Bayshore, I can’t. As I said to start this story, they gave me a chance when no one else would. They welcomed me with open arms and helped shape me into the person I am today. They taught me good values and they taught me to always have faith in myself. They nurtured me, they prayed for me, and I know they cared about me. I met a lot of great people that have impacted my life in many ways, some that I am still very close with. They are my second family, and I am beyond thankful for all of the years I spent there.

I will always regret how I said goodbye, though. I wish I could take it all back and do it over again. I wish paid more attention in school and had better grades. I wish I didn’t act up as much in class. I wish I didn’t let everyone down. Mrs. Erickson. Mr. Fernandez. My mother… but I did, and I am truly sorry for that. I can’t go back in time and change things, and if I could that’s the first place I’d start. It’s the one decision in my life I regret the most, the one that kicked my adult life into gear. But as a wise man once told me: You life your life, you learn from your mistakes, and you move on.

Viva la Vida… Hopefully, now I can do just that.

Until next time…

SF

“One minute I held the key/Next the walls would close on me/And I discovered that my castle stands upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand” – Viva La Vida, Coldplay

I like to consider myself somewhat of an Oscar historian. Fun fact about me: when I was a teenager I became really interested in the awards show after I saw all of the posters for past Best Picture winners and I memorized them in order. Now, at almost thirty, I still know way too much about the Oscars and I’m a little too invested in the outcome of the show. What better way to celebrate than by wagering some fake money on the awards!

The same rules apply as my last prop bet special, but this one is a little harder to navigate. Unlike sports, a lot of these outcomes are decided weeks in advance and even though there might be a surprise come Sunday night, for the most part everyone has an idea of who is going to win what. I’m going to list odds next to the names, give the “Smart Money” pick and then I will put who I want to win. I have a lot of opinions on this, too.

One thing I want to note before we start is how I view the winners, specifically Best Picture: to me, the best movie of the year is the one that will have the most staying power. I love to go back and look at the past winners/nominees and give out the awards in retrospect. For example, Dances With Wolves took home the biggest prize of the night back in 1990. A lot of people liked that movie (except me) but a lot of people really liked the movie it beat… Goodfellas. Not only did Kevin Costner beat one of the greatest movies of all time, but he beat one of the greatest directors of all time, too: He beat Martin Scorsese for the Best Director award. I don’t care who you are, Goodfellas is a much better movie and thirty years later, I’m still still talking about it. I might do the “Retro-Oscar awards” as a follow up to this blog, but for now… let’s put some fake money on this!

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: The Favourite (-200), First Reformed (+1400), Green Book (+200), Roma (+750), Vice (+4000)

This a a great place for me to start, because I write original screenplays (at least I try to). Out of the five nominated films, I’ve only seen four. The one I didn’t see, First Reformed, was written by the legendary Paul Schrader and it blows my mind that this is first nomination. This dude wrote Taxi Driver and Raging Bull and didn’t get nominated for either! The Oscars love to give out the trophy to someone they snubbed long ago (more on this later). Unfortunately for him, this category is pretty strong.

Among the pack, Green Book is a true story that has three writers, including Nick Vallelonga, the son of the main character (played by Viggo Mortensen, also nominated for the role). That would be a cool win for that family, even though the movie has been criticized by the other main character’s family for not being factually accurate. Because of the controversy surrounding the validity of the story, I can’t see it winning.

Adam McKay won the Adapted Screenplay award a couple of years ago for The Big Short, and his newest fare Vice employs some of the same techniques that made that script great. He’s a fantastic writer, and I’m glad he’s in this category. The same goes for Alfonso Cuaron, who Roma, a very personal story for the Oscar winning director. It’s a beautiful movie that’s shot very well, but the script is an underrated part of why.

Still, the favorite to win this award, ironically, is The Favourite, a period piece that feels modern thanks to it’s snappy, witty banter between it’s fantastic leading ladies, as well as the politically motivated love triangle between them. I was surprised how much I liked this movie and I think it is absolutely deserving of this award, and possibly even a few more on Sunday night.

Smart Money: The Favourite

My Pick: The Favourite ($200 bet = $100 win)

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: A Star is Born (+2000), The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (+5000), Blackkklansman (-250), If Beale Street Could Talk (+600), Can You Ever Forgive Me? (+275)

To me, the adapted screenplay is much harder to write. You have a source material that you have to stick to, and sometimes, you’re dealing with something that actually happened. This category has a mixture of films that are based on actual events and stories that are based on other stories. Only one of them can win, though.

Granted, I haven’t seen all of these movies. I want to say there is a nice competition between some of these films. If Beale Street Could Talk was written by Barry Jenkins, the director of Best Picture winner Moonlight, won this award for that film. He’s a great writer, but I can’t see him winning twice in three years. Same goes for The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, written by the Oscar winning Coen Brothers. They’ve won twice — Fargo and No Country For Old Men — and while a 3rd award for writing would put them in exclusive company, I can’t see that winning.

Blackkklansman is one of the most interesting stories I’ve heard of in a while. I think back to that Chappelle’s Show sketch, and how ridiculously hilarious I thought it was. The idea of a black guy joining the KKK was a joke; never did I think something like that could’ve happened, yet the story of Ron Stallworth infiltrating a Colorado chapter of the KKK to bring them down is not only a great biopic, but it is scary how it, in some ways, has led to the current White House administration. That alone should give it the Oscar, and I think it will.

Smart Money: Blackkklansman

My Pick: Blackkklansman ($250 = $100)

Best Original Song

Tell me somethin’ girl… are you happy in this modern world?

If this song doesn’t win, then all of this is for nothing. With all due respect to the other nominees, including Kendrick Lamar and SZA — who will not be performing their hit “All The Stars” (+750) from Black Panther — but this is Gaga’s award to lose and it, unfortunately, might be her one chance to win on Sunday (more on that later).

Smart Money: “Shallow”, A Star Is Born (-3030)

My Pick: “Shallow” ($10,000 = $330)

Best Animated Feature

Nominees: The Incredibles 2 (+900), Isle of Dogs (+900), Mirai (+4000), Ralph Breaks The Internet (+2500), Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse (-1500)

Disney might be the gold standard when it comes to animated films, but no studio has made better ones than Pixar and the Oscars have rewarded them handily in that regard. But this isn’t that year…

One of the most entertaining films I saw last year was Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse. In a world dominated by superheroes — especially Marvel superheroes — this was a fresh, innovative take on the genre, with multiple versions of the famous web-slinger on screen at once. It’s funny, heartfelt and original despite being based on literally ever Spider-Man. Plus, the visuals in this movie make it feel like you’re actually inside the comic. It’s a no brainer, Spidey wins his first Oscar.

Smart Money: Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse

My Pick: Spider-Man ($1500 = $100)

Best Cinematography

Nominees: The Favourite (+1500), Never Look Away (+4000), Roma (-2000), A Star is Born (+1500), Cold War (+900)

I’ve only seen three of the films nominated and the ones I did see definitely deserve to be in this discussion. Both The Favourite and A Star Is Born have the same odds to win the award, the latter of which has some really great concert shots that rival some of the best in history. I loved both films and what they brought to the table, but this award is going to Alfonso Cuaron and it’s not even close.

This is Cuaron’s first credited cinematographer nomination and the reason is simple: he didn’t want to hire a non-Spanish speaking DP to film a personal story, and took it upon himself to do it. Shot in black and white and on location in Mexico, Cuaron has crafted a masterpiece that is also one of the most authentic films to come out in years. He’s a master behind the camera, and Roma is his magnum opus. He’s nominated for four different awards on Sunday, and if there’s one he’s a shoe in for, it’s this award.

Smart Money: Roma

My Pick: Roma ($5000 = $250)

Best Supporting Actress

Nominees: Amy Adams (Vice) (+300), Marina de Tavira (Roma) (+1500), Regina King (If Beale Street Could Talk) (-280), Emma Stone (The Favourite) (+2000), Rachel Weisz (The Favourite) (+800)

Here’s where the fun begins! It’s also where the hard decisions are made. Usually, there’s a front runner who dominates the awards circuits and becomes a virtual lock for the Oscar. That was the case last year, where every favorite won the award. This year, however, all four acting categories are deep enough to have the discussion of who should win and who will win.

Last year, Allison Janney took home the trophy for I, Tonya, which everyone saw coming. This year, the award could go to anyone of these ladies, two of which have already won an Oscar: Emma Stone and Rachel Weisz. Both Stone and Weisz are nominated for the same film, and while they are amazing in it, I think they cancel each other out. It’s hard to say who was better than who in this category, even harder to pick between two women from the same film.

This is really a two horse race, in my opinion, between Regina King and Amy Adams. Both have split the award at other ceremonies, so it’s hard to say who will win. Adams is always terrific, and her turn as Lynne Cheney is one of her best performances in an already great career (she’s been nominated four times). However, King is the heart and soul of Beale Street, and looks like the one to take home the award. She’s won an Emmy, a golden globe and now as a chance to score her first Oscar. I think she will.

Smart Money: Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk

My Pick: King ($200 = $71.43)

Best Supporting Actor

Nominees: Mahershala Ali (Green Book) (-1400), Adam Driver (Blackkklansman) (+3300), Sam Elliot (A Star is Born) (+900), Richard E. Grant (Can You Ever Forgive Me?) (+700), Sam Rockwell (Vice) (+5000)

Another supporting actor category, another tough call as to who will win. As of right now, the favorite to win is Ali, who’s turn in Green Book as legendary musician Don Shirley is one of the best of the year. That being said, he’s the 2nd lead in the film and helps carry his film more than the other actors nominated. Add to the fact that he won this same award for Moonlight just two years prior, I think it might go to someone else. It’s not unprecedented, though, for an actor to win the same award in a span a few years, as Christoph Waltz did it for Inglorious Basterds and Django Unchained.

Ali might have this award locked up, but the other performances are worth noting: Last year’s winner, Sam Rockwell, is back again with a funny turn as 43rd President, and low key comedy icon, George W. Bush. It’s an uncanny performance, despite being in the film for maybe 25 minutes, but he’s not winning back to back. Adam Driver gave a quiet, yet effective performance in Blackkklansman as a Jewish detective who goes undercover to infiltrate the KKK.

My vote is going to a guy who we all know and love, the man with the Golden Voice, Sam Elliot. Elliot has been in so many movies and his iconic baritone voice was the inspiration for Bradley Cooper’s character in A Star Is Born, where he plays a bitter older brother who feels overlooked. It’s ironic, if you ask me, because this is exactly the type of guy that is overlooked and will most likely be overlooked on Sunday. The Oscars love to give awards as a way to make up for lost time (more on this later) and this seems like a good opportunity to do that… but they won’t.

Smart Money: Mahershala Ali, Green Book ($1000 = $71.43)

My Pick: Sam Elliot, A Star Is Born ($50 = $450)

Best Actress

Nominees: Yalitza Aparicio (Roma) (+4000), Glenn Close (The Wife) (-550), Olivia Colman (The Favourite) (+330), Lady Gaga (A Star is Born) (+1000), Melissa McCarthy (Can You Ever Forgive Me?) (+5000)

Last year’s Best Actress race was chock full of great performances that each could have won in any given year. Frances McNormand won her second statue for her role in Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing Missouri, and virtually every award leading up to Oscar Sunday. Still, there were other stand-out performances that year, but McNormand was destined to win in a landslide. This year’s race has plenty of storylines to choose from.

Let’s start with the fact that outside of Glenn Close’s seven (!) nominations, the other four ladies have a combined total of one nomination between them — Melissa McCarthy’s breakout role in Bridesmaids earned her a Best Supporting Actress nod back in 2012. Among those first time nominees are two women nominated for their first movie: pop superstar Lady Gaga and virtually unknown Yalitza Aparicio, who if she wins will become the first indigenous Mexican actress to win the award. Even more amazing is her story, a preschool teacher with zero knowledge of the film industry and now, after an outstanding, at times heartbreaking performance, has earned something so few people can achieve. That’s amazing to me.

The two front runners for this award are the only two in the pack to have won on the other awards circuits: Olivia Colman and Glenn Close. Colman’s nuanced portrayal of the outrageously zany Queen Anne in The Favourite is at times really funny and other times depressing. It’s easy to see why she won the Golden Globe and the BAFTA — she’s steals nearly every scene she’s in.

Still, the front runner of this race is Glenn Close, who has been nominated seven times and never taken home a statue. Granted, I didn’t see The Wife, and I don’t know too many people who did, but it makes a lot of sense for her to win on Sunday and that’s probably what’s going to happen… but it’s not what should happen. No disrespect to Glenn Close, who is most definitely deserving of the win after her long and storied career, but…

Lady Gaga should win this award. She won’t, and a lot of that has to do with the fact that she’s Lady Gaga playing a version of Lady Gaga. I get that, in a way. But when I first heard she was going to be in this movie, I thought either it’s going to be decent or it’s going to be a train wreck. I wasn’t expecting to see what I saw from her in this movie and it blew me away. She’s mesmerizing to watch, from the first moment we see her on screen to the last scene of the movie. The first time she takes the stage to sing “Shallow” not only gave me goosebumps, but it got me choked up and I’m not afraid to admit that. That type of feeling is rare for me, and that’s why I think she should win this award. She won’t… but damn, what a hell of a way to start an acting career!

Smart Money: Glenn Close, The Wife ($550 = $100)

My Pick: Lady Gaga, A Star Is Born ($50 = $500)

Best Actor

Nominees: Christian Bale (Vice) (+250), Bradley Cooper (A Star Is Born) (+1400), Willem Dafoe (At Eternity’s Gate) (+5000), Rami Malek (Bohemian Rhapsody) (-400), Viggo Mortensen (Green Book) (+3300)

Unlike last year’s race — and this year’s Best Actress Race — this category actually doesn’t have a true front runner. I know some of you are thinking “Yeah, but Rami Malek was amazing as Freddie, he’s a lock”. That might be true, his performance in Bohemian Rhapsody was fun to watch and he does a nice job emulating the iconic Queen frontman. I also want to point out, for the record, that I have had multiple people tell me that I look like him, and while that should be a reason for me to give him my vote, it’s not.

For starters, much like my famous doppelgänger, I too have a history of lip syncing other people’s songs and as a semi-professional lip syncer, I have to say… I wasn’t impressed. This isn’t nearly as good Jamie Foxx in Ray or even Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line, and those guys actually sang in their respective movies. Hell, Jamie Foxx not only sang, but he played the piano with blinders on to give a naturally blind performance. That’s why he won his Oscar, because he became Ray Charles. Malek did a great job, but all he did was put in fake teeth. He didn’t truly convince me he was Freddie (or that he and I look alike).

Speaking of transformations, Christian Bale is one of our greatest living actors and he’s known for really getting into character, like the time he lost 65 pounds for his role in The Machinist or like right now, when he gained a bunch of weight to play former Vice President Dick Cheney. I have to say, I knew he was going to bring his A-game for this one and boy does he! Where Malek didn’t convince me, Bale absolutely made me believe I was watching the real thing, from the mannerisms to the speech pattern to the makeup. It’s a brilliant performance and definitely deserving of the award… but… it’s not like I didn’t know Dick Cheney was a shady person who did a lot of shady things.

Jackson Maine is not a real person, but for two plus hour runtime of A Star Is Born you could’ve convinced me he was. Rami Malek plays a real life rockstar, but Bradley Cooper quite literally transforms into a rockstar for this film and he holds his own on screen with an actual real life popstar in Lady Gaga. It’s every bit as nuanced a performance as Bale’s, from lowering his voice a full octave to the leaning in every time someone says something because of his hearing loss. It’s such a quiet, brilliant performance and it’s a shame it’s being overlooked, granted by some other quality performances. If I had it my way, he would get the award. Speaking of which…

Smart Money: Christian Bale, Vice ($100 = $250)

My Pick: Bradley Cooper, A Star Is Born ($50 = $700)

Best Director

Nominees: Alfonso Cuaron (Roma) (-2000), Yorgos Lanthimos (The Favourite) (+3300), Spike Lee (Blackkklansman) (+550), Adam McKay (Vice) (+2500), Pawel Pawlikowski (Cold War) (+2500)

Before I go any further, I have to address the elephant in the room… Bradley Cooper put his heart and soul into A Star Is Born and without him, that movie may not be what it turned out to be. Yes, he was a first time director. Yes, he directed himself and Lady Gaga as Lady Gaga. I get all of that. But this dude took a huge swing and he could’ve missed badly, instead he makes a movie that became one of the year’s biggest hits. It’s a travesty he’s not nominated here. Pawel Pawlikowski? For a movie no one has ever heard of? GTFOH… Bradley Cooper should be on this list.

As for the others… this really is a good group of filmmakers, and aside from Cold War, I saw the other films and really enjoyed all four. Yorgos Lanthimos does a terrific job in staging a lot of the elaborate scenes in the Queen’s palace, and The Favourite is another example of his surrealistic style, much like 2015’s The Lobster or 2017’s Killing of a Sacred Deer. Adam McKay has also seemed to master a certain style and tone with his films, as he picks up his second nomination for directing in a few years. Vice, much like 2015’s The Big Short, packs a lot of information and spews it out in a rapid fire pace that keeps the film moving. McKay knows how to get good absurdist material from real life incidents, and Vice is a piece of American history told through a very unique lens.

Mexican born and Oscar Winning director Alfonso Cuaron is once again a heavy favorite to take home the award. His last win, 2013’s Gravity, kicked off a trend that saw four of the last five Best Director Oscars go to Mexican born directors, the other two being Alejandro G. Inarritu (who won back to back in 2015 and 2016) and last year’s winner Guillermo Del Toro. Roma is Cuaron’s passion project, something he has stated in many interviews. He is a virtual lock to win this award, and I wouldn’t begrudge the Academy for giving it to him. However… there’s one man on this list who has something to say about all this…

As of this blog post, no black filmmaker has ever won Best Director and only six black filmmakers have ever been nominated. Even more insane is Spike Lee being the sixth one to do so, having never been nominated in his iconic thirty year career. Do The Right Thing is one of the most important films of the last fifty years and it is even more relevant now than it was back in 1989, when it lost to Driving Friggin Miss Daisy. Spike didn’t even get a nod for that. Or Malcolm X. Or 25th Hour. Or Inside Man. I know I’ve mentioned Sam Elliot and Glenn Close being two people who are “due” for a win, but there is no one in the building I’d rather see win more than Spike Lee. Could you imagine? Spike Lee, THE SPIKE LEE, strutting his stuff on stage and smirking to the crowd like, Oh, now you wanna hear what I have to say? Cuaron may end up winning four Oscars on Sunday, so why can’t the Academy let Spike get one? Come on now!

Smart Money: Alfonso Cuaron, Roma ($2000 = $100)

My Pick: Spike Lee, Blackkklansman ($100 = $550)

Best Picture

Nominees: Black Panther, Blackkklansman, Bohemian Rhapsody, The Favourite, Roma, Green Book, A Star is Born, Vice

Ah… here we are… the biggest, most important award of the night. It’s also the most divided Best Picture races I can think of in recent memory. With no clear front runner for the award, and because I’ve seen all eight of these films, I am going to list two quick things about each movie.

Black Panther (+3000)

Why it should win: It’s one of the biggest films of the year, and not just at the box office; It’s a mainstream superhero movie primarily with black actors, and it made such a huge impact culturally that the Academy had no choice but to acknowledge it. Add to the fact that it’s shot really well and it’s extremely entertaining. Plus, Marvel films are dope.

Why it won’t win: It’s a superhero movie.

BlackkKlansman (+3000)

Why it should win: It’s an incredible “you gotta see it to believe it” true story about a black cop helping bring down a Colorado KKK chapter by posing as a white supremacist over the phone. Add to that the social commentary of the film and how it has shaped the country we live in today, this is a film that deserves some recognition.

Why it won’t: I hate to say it, but Spike Lee. I love Spike, but there are some voters who probably don’t want to give him the ultimate prize.

Bohemian Rhapsody (+1800)

Why it should win: It shouldn’t and I’ll go as far as saying it shouldn’t even be nominated.

Why it won’t: Man, where to begin… first of all, the director of the film sexually assaulted people. That’s one. Secondly, it embellished a lot of things in the movie, such as when Freddie first met the band to when he told them he was dying of AIDS right before Live Aid. Third, Straight Outta Compton was a much better movie and didn’t even sniff a Best Picture nomination. It’s an entertaining movie, but it’s not one of the eight best movies of the year. Not even close.

The Favourite (+1800)

Why it should win: It’s an all around great picture, one that I think will hold up down the road thanks to the performances of the three leading ladies. It’s sharply written, executed perfectly and is not like most period pieces you’re likely to see in your lifetime.

Why it won’t: It does have potential to win, but at the same time it also feels like that one movie you really liked but aren’t sure if it’s the best one of the year. I was going to say it’s too British, but that doesn’t make enough sense.

Roma (-330)

Why it should win: It’s a very personal film for Alfonso Cuaron and all of the actors are basically unknown. It’s a beautiful film, one that puts us into the shoes of Mexican maid Cleo and shows us the world around her, which is in early 1970’s Mexico during a time of political unrest. It’s a very moving film, and it might be Cuaron’s best film.

Why it won’t: This might sound like a shock, but I don’t think Roma is going to win and it has to do, ironically, with politics. Not the “build the wall” politics — although that will certainly help it’s case; I’m talking about film politics. No way in hell will the Academy give this award to Roma and the reason is simple: it’s on Netflix, the same company that is changing the film landscape as we know it. If Roma wins this award, there could be a huge ripple effect that will change the way these “Oscar films” are showcased and promoted. For a group that doesn’t really accept change all that well, I don’t think the Oscars are ready to let Netflix into their little club.

Green Book (+360)

Why it should win: People like road trip movies, people like buddy comedies. People liked Driving Miss Daisy, too. Those reasons, I guess? It won the Golden Globe and the Producer’s Guild Award, so anything is possible.

Why it won’t: First of all, I didn’t think the movie was bad nor did I think it was great. It was merely OK. As I mentioned earlier, there’s a lot of controversy around what’s true and what’s not in regards to the story, and there are a few cringeworthy scenes depicting race in this movie (the fried chicken scene, specifically). Also, while I love Peter Farelly, it’s not the best film he’s made. That would be Dumb and Dumber. This is not a situation where the Academy is going to give him a make up award for not including that gem of a film.

A Star Is Born (+3000)

Why it should win: I saw it three times in theaters (once in IMAX) and every time I saw it I had the same reaction: holy shit, this movie is amazing... The performances, the music, the cinematography and that ending… oh man, that ending… From start to finish, there wasn’t a non-Marvel movie I was more captivated by than this one.

Why it won’t: It kills me to say this, but Lady Gaga’s press tour for this film might have killed everyone in this film’s chances to win a big award (other than Gaga for her inevitable best song win). It’s also losing some steam after being a huge favorite to win as early as September. Add to that this is not just a remake, but a remake of a remake of a remake. Some of those voters might prefer the Streisand one, some might prefer the Judy Garland one. We shall see.

Vice (+5000)

Why it should win: It’s a uniquely paced, in depth look at one of America’s most secretive modern day leaders and how his wheeling and dealing over the course of three decades changed the course of American history. It also has great performances, to boot.

Why it won’t: It’s a little too political. It also is all over the place, which I really enjoyed, but it was mixed with critics. The performances are amazing, but it’s not gonna be enough to put it over the edge and into the winner’s circle. But like Cheney, this film isn’t there to win; it’s there to disrupt.

Roma has all of the ingredients to win this award, too, and it very well might as it’s currently the odds on favorite to win. Blackkklansman was also a great film, as was The Favourite. However, when I look at the Best Picture winner I tend to think of one thing: which of these movies has the most staying power? Which of these movies will I find myself most likely to watch ten, fifteen years from now?

For me, there are two films: Black Panther and A Star Is Born. The former is a chapter in the MCU, which I had looked forward to for two years and was going to pique my interest regardless. The latter is a movie that has been remade three times, although the fourth installment is the first time I had ever heard of the story. It’s also the only movie that made me feel a certain type of way long after I had left. It stayed with me all night and into the morning, and it made me want to go see it again. Aside from Black Panther and Infinity War, I can’t say that about any other movie from 2018. The Oscars are going to be a shit show this year, the least they could do is give this movie what it deserves, and that’s the Best Picture Oscar.

Smart Money: Roma ($330 = #100)

My Pick: A Star Is Born ($50 = $1500)

So there you have it… these are the movies I think should take home the gold statues on Sunday night. I highly recommend checking them out too if you haven’t already. As someone who dreams of being on that stage one day, I’m looking forward to the excitement of the winners and the speeches they’ll give. I’ll most likely be sitting on my couch, arguing with the TV and shaking my head when my picks don’t go through. Hopefully they get it right (they won’t) but time will tell which films will have a lasting impact. Here’s hoping the show isn’t as much of a train wreck as it’s shaping out to be, but either way I’ll be watching.

(Side note: if anyone from the Academy is reading this, I’m available to host tomorrow night. Just send a text, I’ll take a Byrd to the Dolby Theater. I’m ready.)

Until Next Time…

SF

“And the Oscar goes to… LA LA LAND!” – Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty

Quick question: what’s the over/under on “I Hate Valentine’s Day” facebook posts? Because I can’t find anything in the Vegas sportsbooks, so I’m going to say -25.5. That’s assuming you have twenty-five single friends who complain about being single, in which case, I’d take the over. People love Valentine’s Day when they have something to do, like have pre-planned sex, but for most of us we pretty much hate Valentine’s Day. It’s a lot of work to get through the day when you’re trying to make your significant other happy, and it’s just as much work to have to endure all of those lovey-dovey posts if you’re single.

I’ve only had two “Valentine’s Dates” in my lifetime, and no not by choice. I didn’t want to go on those dates. Kidding, they were both lovely (thanks to me, of course). I don’t particularly care for V-Day festivities like the average person, but my reason is a little bit deeper than just hating a “corporate holiday” and getting jealous of all my non-single friends. For me, Valentine’s Day has always been about love, specifically the different kinds of love you can feel. Typically this this the part of the story where I introduce you to this girl that was a big part of my life… technically, this story isn’t even about me.

This is not a story about two people falling in love, either; In fact, this story starts with two people who have fallen out of love: my parents, Tom and Vanessa Freeman. Here’s as picture of what they looked like back then:

Top: My dad (left) with his brother John; Bottom: My mom (right) with her best friend Addy

My parents divorced in 1992 after six years of marriage that, frankly, I’m shocked even happened in the first place. You know how people say “The 80’s were crazy, man”, well look no further than that. Sure, they got two kids out of it and I know they’re pretty happy with at least one of them, but aside from that this has to be the weirdest marriage I’ve ever heard of, and I once saw Flavor Flav marry Bridgette Nielsen on televison. And I can say this because I know both of them pretty well, and I just can’t for the life of me understand it. I mean, sure, I’m glad it happened, otherwise I don’t think I’d exist (at least this version of me) but I’m also glad I don’t live in the alternate reality where they never divorced. That shit would be insane.

Any way… my parents did at one point fall in love and even though it didn’t last, that’s not the point of this story. There’s a scene in the show Sex in the City where Carrie Bradshaw’s narration asks “when two people are in love and fall out of love, where does that love go?”. Does it disappear like it never existed, or does it go somewhere else like a memory or another person? In the case of Tom and Vanessa, it went to their two sons, one of which was about to test them in a way they had never been tested before.

Valentine’s Day, 1992… the day I almost died.

A few weeks prior — New Year’s Eve, to be exact — my mom told my dad she wanted a divorce. Naturally, this came as a little bit of surprise to my dad, as my mom had just given birth to my brother, Ryan. Still, the marriage wasn’t going to work. They had been together for several years and neither of them were as happy about it as they once were. To top it all off, I was dealing with some health issues. It’s not like this was the best time to ask for a divorce, but when is a good time to ask for that, you know?

Now, I wasn’t there for this conversation so I’m going to give my rendition of what I think went down. Follow me down this hypothetical rabbit hole…

So as far as I know, my dad and my mom we’re getting ready for a New Years Eve party. That’s all I know. My dad’s in the kitchen chopping veggies or whatever and my mom comes in like “Tom, we gotta talk. I can’t do this anymore.” “You know, I was thinking about it and I kinda have to agree.” “REALLY? I’m surprised you’d say that…” “Let’s just cancel the party then.” “Oh. No. I meant our marriage.” My dad stops chopping veggies. “Wait, what? You want to cancel our marriage?” “No, I want a divorce.” “Vanessa, that’s the same thing—” “See, Tom! This is why we can’t be together! We never agree!” “This I agree on.” “Oh, you’re such a smart ass! I hope our sons don’t take that trait.” “Yeah, speaking of which, didn’t I just give you another baby for Christmas?” “It was a great gift, he’s a bald bundle of joy. Now what I want is a divorce, can you do that for me?” “Yeah, maybe I’ll get you that for Valentines Day!” “Oh, bite my ass Tom!” “Yeah, classy! Happy New Year, honey!” Door slams. Then it reopens because my mom always has to have the last word: “And his name is Shea! I’m never calling him Thomas because it’s a stupid dumb fucking name!” Door slams again.

I’m pretty sure that’s not how it happened, but then again I wasn’t there so don’t hold this against me. In fact, don’t hold it against them either. It’s not their fault. I mean, maybe it might be, but to me neither is to blame. The only thing to blame for their failed marriage is statistics. I mean, look at some other 80’s couples for example: Donald and Ivanka Trump: divorced. Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel: divorced. Don Johnson and Melanie Griffiths: divorced. Hell, even Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy broke up in Muppets Take Manhattan. Sometimes love is not always meant to be.

The thing with my parents though is not just that they were getting divorced, but they had two young kids to deal with. I was always going to have my medical issues, and I’m pretty sure the extra care and attention that was put on me may have made things a little more difficult for them. It’s one thing to have to raise a child, but raising a child who’s in and out of the hospital at such a young age can take a toll on you. There was always that risk that something could happen to me, and they were well aware of it.

Now, I’m not a doctor and I’m not the best at describing the medical intricacies that make me unique, but I’m gonna give it a shot here. Basically, I was born with a large crack that goes from the top of my skull, all the way down the middle of my face. Because of this, I was never able to grow a second layer of skull over my soft spot. And because of that, when my brain would grow and expand the skull would not, depleting me of oxygen. That’s just a small version of it, but it’s what’s relevant for this story.

I’ve had dozens of procedures to fix my skull and all the problems resulted from my syndromes, and when I was a baby I basically slept in an oxygen chamber. I had sleep apnea and airways for breathing were blocked, which scared my parents at night. These conditions started to make me lethargic and weaker, so my parents scheduled a tracheotomy for mid February 1992 to help with my breathing. I, on the other hand, did not get that memo and was going to throw a big wrench into their plans because timing is everything, and this is an early example of why I can’t have nice things.

It’s Valentine’s Day. The Day of Love. A day where I’m sure my parents really wanted to avoid each other. It’s crazy to think about because they had just welcomed their second kid two months before, and — wait… WAIT A MINUTE…. HOLY SHIT… I think I figured out why my brother exists… and it kind of makes sense.

Follow me down this hypothetical rabbit hole if you will… Valentine’s Day, 1991. My parents are sitting at a table somewhere, probably not too happy with their night. My life is basically up in the air everyday, and their starting to wonder what to do next. So my mom has an idea… what if we had a back up baby? You know, like, how you get two keys to a house when you move in; if you lose one, you have the other one just in case.

I imagine my dad taking a sip of wine, nodding with approval. “Right. That makes sense. We would want to make sure we had a duplicate. I mean, we like this version we have now but, you know… what if we had an upgraded version?” Mom would sort of agree, “Yeah, a 2.0 sort of thing. Shea’s the VCR and the other baby would be BetaMax”. To which my dad would be impressed my mom knew there was a difference and agree “That makes sense, BetaMax would outlast VCR anyway. Speaking of which, I might buy Shea a VCR to fuck with him, but as an inside joke between us”. Then my mom says “Haha, that’s a great idea! I hope the new baby has your sense of humor.” “SO… should we do this?” “Yeah, we should do this. Just in case.” And then they did, and that’s what happened and you can’t convince me otherwise. Ryan’s life is a lie.

Mom, Me and The Back-up Baby, Christmas 1991. He’s a cute kid, though.

(Side Note: Just kidding, Ryan’s my favorite human being and I’m really glad they made that decision. It’s probably the best decision they ever made, and at least we know he’s not a mistake. So that’s good, right? Plus, without Ryan, there’s a chance I wouldn’t even be here. Back to the story we go…)

My dad’s always been an early bird, as is my mom, and regardless of who woke up and and did what first, this is how the story goes… My dad got up and unzipped my oxygen bag to wake me up. I wasn’t as lethargic as I had been, and my dad went into his office to get some things together for work. Ryan wakes up and my mom goes to change his diaper. That’s when she found me, blue and not breathing. It had been minutes between when my dad and my mom had seen me, and that’s all it took for my heart to stop working. My mom left Ryan on the changing table and rushed down the hall to my dad’s office, clutching my possibly lifeless body in her arms.

“He’s not breathing!”

Lucky for her — and extremely lucky for me — my dad was a lifeguard and knew CPR, but had never given it to a two year old before. Hell, I’m pretty sure he didn’t ever think he’d have to. Yet here’s my dad, a pretty big dude physically, trying to resuscitate his little boy. Before the paramedics came, I jolted up but my eyes were still in the back of my head. Nevertheless, they gotten my heartbeat back and took me to the hospital, where the emergency tracheotomy was performed. There was hardly any oxygen in my brain and we were eventually going to need to lift my skull up to allow myself to grow properly. Again, I’m not a doctor. I don’t know how to explain this. My parents know more about it than I do.

I try to put myself in their shoes sometimes. I know what it’s like to live my life and go through the things I’ve gone through, but I’ve never had to endure it from their side. I don’t know what it’s like to wonder if it’s your fault your kid was born this way, like if you’re responsible for it happening. I don’t know what it’s like for them to have to worry about the world not accepting their son because of his differences. I don’t know what it’s like to think about the possibility of your child not making it through the night because of his breathing. To have to sit through those surgeries. To look at their son in hospital bed, all beat up and swollen, and want to take the pain away, but can’t.

Every time I think about that, I wonder how they managed to do it. They were essentially my age now when this went down. I don’t know how I would’ve handled it. And I don’t know what the conversation was like at the hospital that day, but you better believe I have a hypothetical rabbit hole for it…

I imagine my mom and my dad sitting in the ICU, my little self hooked up to monitors, sitting in a hospital bed. My dad cuts the tension “So… the divorce. That’s still on?”. My mom nods. She’s in shock. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I know. I’m sorry, too.” He looks at me, holds my little hand. “He needs us. They both do.” She gets up and walks the bed. “And we’ll be there. We can’t do it without each other.” “Even though we can’t do it with each other.” She laughs, wipes a tear. “I don’t know what would’ve happened if you weren’t there. I don’t know CPR.” “Had you not run down the hall I might have been too late.” “It took a team effort. It’s gonna take a lot more, too. Are you ready for it?” He looks at her and nods with conviction. “I’ll be there. Every step of the way.” “I know you will.” She smiles and hugs him. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Val.” “Don’t call me that. But… you can call Shea by his first name.” “Good, I will. I like it.” “You’re the only one.” “He likes it. You know what else he liked? The VCR I got him for Christmas.” “That was pretty funny.” “Hey, where’s our back up baby?” “Oh shit! I left him on the changing table!” *cue laugh track because this is a sitcom now*

I’m not sure any of their conversations were anything like that, or any of how I imagined, and if they were then that’s great. I do know that it was difficult for them at first to transition to co-parenting. Shared custody doesn’t always mean fair custody, and it was hard on my dad to see me as much as he maybe would’ve liked. I’m not blaming my mother for that, though, so don’t get it twisted. I’m just stating the facts. Another fact I would like to state is that my mom and dad both did everything they could for me and my brother and always put aside their differences when it came to us. Especially when it came to me.

I was in and out of the hospital for much of my early years and I’ve had too many surgeries to recount in one blog post (maybe one day). Each surgery always went according to plan, with my mom staying at the hospital at night and my dad taking over in the morning with my grandmother. They ran the show like a well oiled machine, a championship winning team. Like, imagine the Lakers when they had Kobe and Shaq. Those two guys couldn’t stand each other, but they put it to the side and won rings. That’s exactly what my parents are: they’re a team, albeit a dysfunctional one that knows how to succeed.

I wouldn’t be here today without my parents. Obviously, I needed them to meet in order for me to exist but I also needed them to keep me alive. The love they have for me and my brother is what gets me through my days. They taught me how to be strong, how to be brave in the face of fear and how to love someone more than yourself. I’m blessed and forever grateful to be able to say that I’m equal parts them, but hopefully only the good parts. I can honestly say that I’m probably the most expensive investment they’ve ever made, and while I don’t know if I’m doing a good job on the return, I owe it to them to to make something of myself. They, in a sense, gave me a second chance at life, maybe even a third, who knows.

Every now and then I rub the scar on my neck, where the tracheotomy was performed. I wore that trache (?) for eight years. I definitely stood out, but I made it work like I always did. Now, you can’t even tell it’s there unless I say something. But I know it’s there. I will always know it’s there. It’s a reminder of how lucky I am to be here, that things could’ve been much different. That every Valentine’s Day my parents would be reminded of the day they lost something they loved more than themselves. It’s even more poignant now, in 2019, for me to think about this.

I think about Parkland. about those parents of the seventeen teenagers who were killed, on Valentine’s Day of all days. I think about the moment they dropped them off at school. I think about the fact that they will never get to hear their children say I love you, or be able to say it back. Those parents who had to bury their children, those brothers and sisters who lost their best friend… they can’t get that back. And they will never look at Valentine’s Day the same way again. The immense pain and sadness that those people feel, I could never begin to imagine.

But it makes me realize why we need this day now more than ever. We all need love. Who cares if Valentine’s Day is a made up holiday to sell greeting cards and candy? When you get a card and some candy, don’t you feel a little special, perhaps even loved? What’s bad about that? Valentine’s Day might be a made up holiday, but who cares? What’s wrong with love? Today is supposed to be a reminder that you are loved and you should tell the ones you love,too. Because you never know when it will be the last time you can. Those parents at Stoneman Douglas didn’t know; I know they would give everything for one more phone call.

That’s why every year I call my mom and dad to thank them for what they’ve done for me and for being by my side through everything. They don’t have to give me anything; they’ve given me everything already. The best thing they ever gave me was their unconditional love, whether I deserve it or not. It’s what kept me alive on this day twenty-seven years ago and it’s what keeps me going today. Everything I do in life, I owe to them. They have always been there for me, through thick and thin, no matter what. I’ll never understand how they even came to be, but I’m really glad they made that mistake in the first place. The greatest mistake of their lives… I’ll take it!

And you know what? This story has a happy ending. Not only am I alive, but my parents found the love of their lives and are currently living happily ever after. My dad remarried to a lovely woman named Laurie, and they will celebrate twenty years this May. My mom married a good man named Allen and they are celebrating twenty five years this September. I was in both of the weddings, and I have to say, it was really nice to be included. They had to drag two people into their mess, and they have been through enough in their own right. I’m glad they make my parents happy, because I know my parents love them and that’s how it was always supposed to be.

So with that, I want to say Happy Valentine’s Day to anyone reading this. Know that you are loved, know that you are appreciated and know that you are worth it. All I ask is that you return the favor to someone you love. You’ll be surprised the power it has in this world. I would know; I’m here because of it.

Love you, Mom and Dad.

Until next time…

SF

“A parent’s love is whole no matter how many times divided” – Robert Brault

Over the weekend, my favorite enigma Halsey took the 8H Stage at NBC and hosted Saturday Night Live for the first time. Handling the double duty of hosting and being the musical guest is a tough task for some, and it takes a flexible, charismatic performer to carry that kind of weight. I didn’t know what to expect Saturday when watching the show, but I took notes of what happened and, well… you’ll see.

Cold Open

In case you’ve never seen an episode of SNL, the show always starts with a sketch that picks apart current events of the week. That’s been especially true over the past couple of years, with the writers finding a lot of different ways to skewer the Trump administration and all of the craziness that resides in the White House. Some detractors of the show say it lessens the value of it, and sometimes that can be true. It’s an easy target and sometimes not easy to make jokes about something that’s actually happeneing and is not funny but that’s what comedy’s all about: tragedy plus time. We have to find ways to laugh at these things. So keep that in mind as you keep reading this.

This week’s cold open didn’t talk about Trump, though. Instead, Kyle Mooney (one of my low-key favorite cast members of this decade) dressed as Chuck Todd for a fake Meet the Press. The topic of the show: Jeff Bezo’s dick pics and what the richest man in the world’s dick might look like. I thought it was pretty funny considering how big of a story this became this week, and I love a good dick joke.

On top of that, we got performances from SNL MVP Kate McKinnon as Wilbur Ross and Andy Bryant as acting AG Matt Whitaker. McKinnon is always money, and her impression of Ross is just as deranged as you would expect. Bryant’s impression of Whitaker is pretty new and while it wasn’t as funny as McKinnon as Ross, I’m glad she got to flex a little and play a guy who “gets mistaken for a dick pic, all the time”. That was great.

I just wanna say something about McKinnon before we go on any further… she is without a doubt one of the best cast members the show has ever had. She’s so versatile and can play virtually any character the writer’s throw at her, including political figures. She’s played Hilary Clinton, Jeff Sessions, Kellyanne Conway, Robert Meuller, Nancy Pelosi and now Wilbur Ross. She’s amazing and we don’t deserve her.

And with that… Live from New York… it’s Halsey’s turn.

Opening Monologue

One thing I always look for when watching the show is how the host fares in the opening monologue. It’s supposed to be quick, a little taste of what’s to come. Sometimes if the host isn’t known for comedy, they’ll play up on that. On the flip side, if a stand up comedian is hosting they get a little extra time for their monologue. Then there are the people who are just really happy to be there, like Jason Mamoa early this year. It wasn’t a great episode, but his enthusiasm for the show was charming enough for me to forget that it was s stinker.

Halsey comes out with her pink hair and the first thing she mentions is how big of a fan she is of SNL. She grew up in New Jersey and definitely wanted a bigger crowd reaction for that. She did her best Jersey accent but didn’t really do that much in the way of jokes, aside from “In case you don’t know who I am, when you tell your angsty teenage daughter to turn down that music, I am that music”. I liked that, even though I didn’t really get it. Still, she’s very enthusiastic and that’s always a good sign.

“Them Trumps”

Historically speaking, SNL schedules their show around the strongest sketches. Usually after the monologue, it’ll cut to a parody commercial so the cast can get ready for the first live sketch. Tonight’s was the second incarnation of “Them Trumps”, a parody of Empire imagining what would it be like if Donald Trump were black? With the LEGENDARY Kenan Thompson as Darius Trump, the sketch sets up the Trump White House like an episode of Empire, with Kenan claiming that nothing can happen to him because he’s the president… only to get arrested because he’s also black. Halsey didn’t really do much in the sketch, which was pre-taped, but that’s OK. It’s really just an excuse to get Thompson in a Trump wig, and any sketch he’s in is going to get a thumbs up from me.

Real quick on Kenan… This dude has been a staple in my life since I was a kid. It started with All That (SNL for kids), continued on with Kenan and Kel and now, for the past sixteen years (!) he’s the “glue guy” of SNL, in that he keeps the sketch together and doesn’t always have to the focal point of it. He even won an Emmy last year for his work on the show, something that was long overdue if you ask me. He makes every sketch he’s in better and this episode is no different, especially with the next sketch…

“State Meeting”

Normally a story about a governor’s old yearbook photos showing him donning black face — DURING BLACK HISTORY MONTH — isn’t the funniest material for a comedy show (despite the obvious irony). However, this is SNL and that’s exactly what they did with their first sketch. Thompson is playing a Washington fixer trying to fix the image of any other politicians who may have worn blackface. The setup is that everyone in the room that’s not Thompson is white has worn blackface at some point, but the joke is how they try to justify it. Honestly, it gets funnier and funnier as it goes a long and Thompson’s is the best at setting up the rest of the cast to shine. That’s why he’s been there as long as he has!

Halsey doesn’t do much in the sketch but she does get some laughs when she asks if it’s OK if you’re biracial, only to explain that she meant in relation to a Halloween costume she wore once (“I went as both Michael Jackson’s, so only one side of my face was blackface”). It’s probably the best sketch of the night, in my opinion.

“Valentine’s Day Song”

One of the latest staples of SNL in the new millennium are the musical parodies. It really took off with Andy Samberg and the Lonely Island crew, the geniuses behind such classics as the Grammy winning “Dick in a Box, “I’m on a Boat” and “I Just Had Sex” (my personal favorite). Samberg is one of my favorite cast members of all time and when he left the show, there was a huge void that needed to be filled, specifically with the pre-taped content. The musical parodies usually bounce back and forth between Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon or Chris Redd and Pete Davidson.

This particular one has Halsey teamed up with Bryant and McKinnon for a Valentine’s Day themed song about parents calling their daughters on Valentine’s Day. The joke is people don’t want to hear from any non-romantic acquaintances on V-Day when they’re trying to get it on with their honey (parents, boss, dentist, etc.). It has it’s moments, but it wasn’t the best one those two have done. That would probably have to be the boy-band parody “First Got Horny 2 U”, which if you haven’t seen it you probably should. I will say, though, McKinnon’s part in the song is hilarious: she sings about not wanting to get a V-Day card from her young son, who can’t read, only to get a card that says “Baby I can’t wait for tonight”. That was great.

Side note: featured player Chris Redd — who had a big role in Samberg’s 2017 criminally underrated Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping — seems like the right person to take over for the Lonely Island crew. The songs feel authentic but they quickly take a left turn and become something much different. The best example of this — and the best music video parody — has to be from the Childish Gambino episode last year, “Friendos”. Redd, Gambino and Thompson (AGAIN!) are a version of Migos who are bragging about their “Lambos” in the club, while simultaneously hashing out their problems in a group therapy session. It’s one of the funniest sketches they’ve had in years. Do yourself a favor and check it out, especially if you’re a fan of rap music. It’s spot on.

“Parent’s Call”

The set up for this one is pretty simple: getting a call from your parents in the middle of a meeting. Mikey Day plays an architect going over plans for a new company with his two clients when he gets a call from his parents, played by Beck Bennet and Halsey (in a blonde wig and sporting an accent). The joke is that while they say it’s not important, they casually mention the father broke all of the bones in his leg before getting off the phone. Day calls back continuously and each time it gets more and more bizarre, with the parents nonchalantly describing their injuries. I don’t want to give it all away, so I’ll just recommend you check it out.

Bennett’s really the star in this sketch, and he’s had some pretty good moments over the past couple of years. Halsey’s a great sport in this one, too. Even though she revealed a joke before it happened, she still manages to stay in character and deliver the rest of the sketch. So far, it’s her best one of the night.

“Halsey Performance #1 – Without Me”

I don’t always watch the musical performances, partly because I came for comedy and not music. Still, there have been some memorable performances over the years. Obviously I wanted to see this one and while I don’t know much about the song, I definitely knew the context of the performance. Halsey recently split with her ex, the rapper G-Easy, and used this first performance to essentially call him out for cheating on her. It’s just Halsey and a guy on a piano, singing a stripped down version of her hit song “Without Me”. Then all of a sudden, the walls illuminated with messages, assuming it’s G-Easy telling her of how he cheated and where it took place. It was kinda cool, like a big F U to him (he’s never even performed on SNL). Not only that, but Halsey has a great voice, too. It was a solid performance.

Weekend Update

Weekend update is usually my most looked forward to moment of the show, mainly because of the back and forth between head SNL writers Colin Jost and Michael Che. Over the years, Update has been helmed by heavy hitters like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, as well as late night hosts Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers. Those are some big shoes to fill but these two have quietly become one must see TV. The jokes the trade are both smart, edgy and timely — these guys have to write and change these jokes on the fly. It almost feels like a friendly competition between Che and Jost to see who can report the craziest “joke”. During the Christmas episode, the two hosts gave a gift to each other in joke form: they wrote jokes for each other that they did not share with each other. It was great.

The top stories of this week were the State of the Union, the Virginia governor’s blackface scandal (which they had plenty of jokes for) and the acting AG’s congressional hearing. The jokes were sharp as always, but the real highlights of Weekend Update were the guest correspondents. First up, Melissa Villa Senor’s spot on impression of Lady Gaga singing “Shallow”. Villa Senor is a great impressionist, but her vocal range really blew me away with this one.

Next up, Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner as an “Instagram Couple with Valentine’s Day tips”. I really like Gardner when she comes on Update because her characters are really layered and dramatic. This one was spot on, too. Day and Gardner start out as the cute couple who take the best IG pics, but as the interview goes on you see them break up twice and get back together twice. For everyone that’s had to scroll through that one couple’s heap of annoyingly romantic pics, this one is for you.

Last but not least, “Guy Who Just Bought A Boat” gives appropriate romantic tips for the Me Too era. Alex Moffat plays this guy so well it’s become his staple Update character. He’s a douche bag who abbreviates his words and has a corny limericks for scoring chicks. He also has a tiny penis, which he mentions constantly. Even when he flubs a line, he stays in character and it’s perfect. It’s seamless. I honestly don’t know how he’s not laughing when he’s reading those cue cards. Great update this weekend.

“Sorority Girls Karaoke”

Usually, the best sketches of the night are before update. The later it gets into the show, the weirder the sketches get and it becomes hit or miss. This one is a little bit of both. The premise is set up as three sorority girls — Halsey, Villa Senor and Cecily Strong — who have to complete tasks in order to get into their sorority. Tasks such as knocking over someone’s food, cutting off a guy’s hair and giving Pete Davidson a parrot. It’s really weird, and the highlight of the sketch is Villa Senor trying to give Davidson a real parrot on live television. Anytime a live animal is in the sketch, you never know what’s going to happen and it looked as if the parrot just didn’t want to be there. Still, the sketch came and went and while it’s probably the weakest sketch of the night, it wasn’t terrible (even though you can’t find it on the SNL app).

“Women of Congress”

All of the women on the show, including Halsey, dress up as different congresswomen and act as a bad ass group of superheroes (in a way). It’s set like “The Expendables”, with each woman getting introduced with nickname and a quip to give. Standouts include McKinnon as Nancy “Clap Back” Pelosi, Leslie Jones as “Auntie” Maxine Waters and Villa Senor as Alexandria “I Do Things My Way” Ocasio-Cortez. The real joke is that all of the women, donning their white outfits from the State of the Union, get a call from Trump (voiced by Baldwin) taking credit for the sea change of women in congress, even though it has nothing to do with him. Halsey plays Rashida “Impeach the Motherf*****” Tlaib and only says one thing: Impeach the motherf******. It’s quick and gets to the point. Not the best sketch of the night, but a decent filler.

“Black History Presentation”

In a nice, calmer moment of the show, African American cast members Thompson, Jones, Redd and newcomer Ego Nwodim stand together on the main stage to show their appreciation to all of the African-American cast members that came before them. It’s hilariously interrupted by Kyle Mooney, who’s clearly not black, and is sort of hijacking the show with his “white mansplanations of Black History Month”. Eventually, Mooney is joined by Beck Bennet and they take turns in seeing who has more information (from Google) about prolific black entertainers in the 20th century. It ends with Jones and Thompson saluting those that paved the way for them and promising a brighter future for tomorrow. It’s a surprise sketch, one where I didn’t see the joke coming at first. Those are my favorites. Not only is this one smartly crafted, it’s also poignant for both our current social climate and SNL, who have had issues with diversity in their cast. Here’s hoping that changes.

“Riverdale Scene”

I’ve never seen Riverdale, and if you haven’t either that’s OK. This sketch is more or less about Pete Davidson as a method actor playing a corpse, in the most scientifically accurate way possible. Not gonna lie, I was very surprised to see Davidson not playing himself in a sketch but an actual character and not only that… but he was damn good, too. He’s the youngest cast member in SNL history and unfortunately he’s only known now for being ex-Mr. Ariana Grande. In reality, he’s been on the show since 2014 and has had plenty of solid moments on Weekend Update (albeit playing himself and doing his stand up routines). Still, this is a sketch where he really shines, and I hope he gets more opportunities like this one.

Oh, and Halsey was in this one, too. She plays the actress who plays Betty, who agrees with the corpse actor that it should be authentic. She’s mostly playing it straight so Davidson can chew up the scenery, and sometimes that’s all it takes to make a sketch better. That’s why Thompson is a great glue guy, just like Phil Hartman before him. You don’t have to be funny to make the sketch work, sometimes being a team player is the how you make it better. So I’m not taking any points away from her for that.

Halsey Performance #2 – “Eastside”

This is where everything changed for me… I mentioned in Part 2 of this series that I hoped she sang this song on the show, and boy am I glad she did! Not only does she sing one of my current favorite songs really well, she’s also simultaneously painting a self-portrait on the stage. The song is roughly three minutes long, and she manages to finish both the song and the painting at the same time. That’s remarkable to me, and it shows that she’s a lot more talented than I realized.

Fun fact about Halsey: the last time she was on the show was earlier this year, when she took the stage to perform a song with Lil Wayne that she’s featured on (I didn’t see it). After the show, she traded tattoo designs with Weezy. As it turns out, Halsey is actually an artist and has designed quite a few tattoo’s for people, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that she managed to sing and paint at the same time. But it was a surprise, and it was a pleasant one. I was legitimately mesmerized by it and I’ve watched it a few times since then. Probably the best moment of the show, at least for me.

“Maurice”

Remember how I said the sketches get weirder and weirder as the show goes on? This one takes the cake — literally. The set up is Halsey on a date with her boyfriend’s (Redd) parents (Thompson and Jones) and sister (Nwudim). The father, Maurice, is recognized by someone who knows him from his side job: taking pictures of his little butt and dipping it into cakes on Snapchat for closeted gay men. It’s so strange, but so funny to me. You can even see some of the cast trying not to break character as it goes along, because even they know how ridiculous it is.

As for our girl Halsey? This is probably the most comfortable she’s been all night and I have to think a lot of it is momentum from her Eastside performance. She killed that song (and painting) and you can see her confidence in this sketch. She seems more fluid, more in on the joke and it makes me wish they gave her a little more to do on the show. Yes, Thompson is the star of the sketch and the point of the joke, but Halsey gets to play set up and it works.

And with that… the show is over!

So what did we learn this weekend… While she didn’t have a lot to do in some sketches, she helped carry the show and I hope to see her get to spread her acting wings again soon, because she does potentially have bright future ahead of her in that arena. Not only did I enjoy her performance — singing, acting and painting — but I also came away with another realization: I think I’m in love with Halsey now. That is one beautiful, talented woman.

I always knew this debate would end up being a trilogy and at least for me, it’s officially coming to an end. Unless she does something insane like burn down a hospital or whatever, I’m a fan or hers. I’m not sure if everyone will agree with me on that and I’m not sure if everyone is going to like her, but I know that I do and that you all should. She’s a nice thing we deserve to have in a time like this.

So to put it to rest… Are we sure we like Halsey? The answer is yes. Absolutely. I can officially say that after two years of debate, I like Halsey. I might even love her, but that I still have to figure out.

Until next time…

SF

“We can do anything if we put our mind to it, take your old life and you put a line through it” – Halsey and Khalid, “Eastside”

For those of you that were unaware — or simply forgot — there was a football game last Sunday. It was billed as “The Super Bowl”, the final game between the league’s two best and most exciting team. One last game for eternal glory. The only problem: there was nothing super about this game. It came and went like bad gas after eating a big plate of chili fries. The taste is still sour, the heartburn still lingering in my chest as I type this. Not just because the game sucked… no, it’s worse than that…

I lost $1,000 on prop bets… Granted, it was $1,000 Shea Dollars and no real money was spent, it still doesn’t feel any better. What I didn’t lose in actual money, I lost in time spent and credibility (at least in my eyes). There were some highlights from that game, notably a commercial for a movie I was already excited for and an underdog becoming an unlikely MVP — and I’m not talking about on the football field. Either way, this is what happened.

Here are the results of Tommy the Mutt’s Super Bowl Prop Bet Special…

1. How many plays will Tony Romo correctly predict during the broadcast: -7.5 (+115) or +7.5 (-155)? (Result – UNDER)

Seriously, what a great place to start. Tony Romo, like most of us watching this game, figured it would be a high octane, high scoring game. That would be his worst prediction of the day, as it turns out. Still, I got this bet right because 8 predictions seemed insane. In reality, he only predicted one correct play, but that’s better than 99% of the people watching the game. Here’s hoping he comes back! ($30 bet; Win = $19) ($49 total, at this point)

2. What will take longer: Gladys Knight singing the National Anthem (+105) or the first scoring drive (-145)? (Result – SCORING DRIVE)

There was some controversy with this one, and it had nothing to do with anyone taking a knee! (That was also a prop bet, by the way.) The rule states that the bet “starts when Ms. Knight begins singing and ends after the first brave”. However, Ms. Gladys gave two braves and a lot of people weren’t sure of what to make of it. Was it 1:49.5 (the exact time of the bet) or 2:01, which is what I clocked it in after the second brave? Either way, the books in Jersey paid out both winners, which is crazy, and I won this bet because the first scoring drive of the game took well over four minutes. (Bet $25; Win $17) ($42) (+$91)

3. Will the first player to score a TD wear a jersey number higher 26.5 (-140) or lower than 26.5 (EVEN)? (Result – UNDER)

The only touchdown of the game came from a guy wearing the number 26, Sony Michel. In order to have one this bet, I would’ve had to taken the under and I didn’t. Don’t worry though, this is going to become a theme as we go along. (Bet and lost $40)

(+$51)

4. Will a kick be returned for a TD: Yes (+525) or No (-900)? (Result – NO)

With special teams playing a major part in this game, this would’ve been a nice win for me and there were plenty of opportunities for it to happen. The Rams punted eight times in a row, and the Patriots were held in their own territory for the majority of the game as well. It should’ve happened, it didn’t and that’s kinda how this game went. Oh well. (Bet and lost $10). (+$41)

5. How many times will the broadcast mention Sean McVay’s age: +1.5 (-270) or +1.5 (+180)? (Result – UNDER)

This is where I get a little confused. See, I watched the game and while I could’ve sworn they mentioned it twice, according to reddit it was only once (halftime doesn’t count). So with that being said, I guess I lost this one. The good news is that it’s fake money. The bad thing is, much like the Gladys Knight prop bet, some of these bets are a little hard to figure out the result of. (Bet and lost $150) (-$109)

6. What color of Gatorade will be dumped on the coach: Lime/Green/Yellow (+250), Orange (+450), Red (+700), Blue (+400), Purple (+1200) or Clear/Water (+160)? (Result – BLUE)

I should’ve put my $10 on blue but I (Tommy the Mutt) am a degenerate and this is why I can’t have nice things. (Bet and lost $10) (-$119)

7. Will a fan run onto the field during the game: Yes (+450) or No (-850)? (Result – NO)

Finally! A chance to win some money back! However, had a fan run onto the field it would’ve been the most memorable moment of the game. (Bet $1,000; Win $117) (-$2)

8. Will a non-QB throw a TD pass: Yes (+250) or No (-400)? (Result – NO)

No Philly Special on Sunday, or anything special for that matter. For all of the talk about Sean McVay’s innovative offense (from yours truly), this was a pretty predictable game from both teams. Still, I’m on a winning streak now. (Bet $100; Win $25) (+$23)

9. Will both teams score a combined 76 points: Yes (+400) or No (-700)? (Result – NO)

HA! Boy did I have high hopes for this game… this was probably my worst call of the weekend, because not only did I bet on this knowing that it was a Super Bowl record but I also bet on the over (57.5). So I lost twice. (Bet and lost $50) (-$27)

10. Will there be offset penalties called: Yes (+220) or No (-340)? (Result – NO)

This almost happened and even though these bets aren’t real, I was legitimately pissed that I lost this one. It was towards the end of the game, too. (Bet and lost $25) (-$52)

11. Will any QB throw for more than 400 yards: Yes (+175) or No (-260)? (Result – NO)

Not only did neither QB throw for 400 yards, but neither offense amassed 400 yards for the game. Brady put up pedestrian numbers (for Brady) and Goff flat out looked awful out there. Then again, we were spoiled to have two great Brady performances back to back. The guy’s 41… it’s OK if he barely puts up 250 in his 6th Super Bowl win. (Bet and lost $50) (-$102)

12. Will a TD be overturn by replay: Yes (+140) or No (-190)? (Result – NO)

I wish a TD would’ve been overturn by replay because then it would’ve meant a team actually made it to the endzone! Hell, even the red zone, which only happened once on either side. Seriously, what a shitty game this was… I won this bet though. (Bet $50; Win $26) (-$76)

13. Will Johnny Hekker attempt a fake punt pass: Yes (+250) or No (-500)? (Result – NO)

Before I go any further, let me just say this… Had the Rams won the Super Bowl, Johnny Hekker might have been the first and maybe only punter to ever warrant consideration for MVP. Yes, Brady and Belicheck made history with their wins on Sunday, but Hekker also made it into the record books with a 65 yard punt, beating the previous record by one yard. The man who he beat? Patriots punter Ryan Allen. Amazing.

Even more amazing, the Rams almost ran a fake punt early in the game, but they were flagged before the whistle due to two illegal shifts. Special Teams coach Jim Fassel was pissed, and so was some degenerate in Atlantic City. Not me though. Not me. (Bet $100; Win $20) ($-56)

14. Will the game be tied again after 0-0: Yes (-180) or No (+140)? (Result – YES)

Due to probability, and the fact that neither team could get anything going on offense, this was a pretty easy win. (Bet $50; Win $27) (-$29)

15. Will there be a roughing the passer penalty called: Yes (-155) or No (+115)? (Result – NO)

This is by far the dumbest bet I made, but it was made very tounge-in-cheek-ish. No, there were no roughing the passer penalties called on either team during the game, but there as an illegal helmet-to-helmet hit on the Rams that came early in the first quarter. The culprit? NFC Championship Villian, Nickel Robey Coleman. In a way, I called this happening. Still, this one is a big loss for my fake bank account filled with Shea Dollars. (Bet and lost $500 – yikes…) (-$529)

16. How many times will the broadcast show Roger Goodell: -3.5 (+200) or +3.5 (-110)? (Result – UNDER)

They showed him exactly one time during the broadcast, unless you count the post game festivities. However, Vegas doesn’t and therefore, I continue to lose. (Bet and lost $10) (-$539)

17. Will any of the “gates” be mentioned during the broadcast: Yes (+200) or No (-200)? (Result – NO)

I tried to get cute and parlay this one with the previous one, and I was dead wrong on both. Still, I only lose $10. The problem is I’m not winning anything. Sigh. (Bet and lost $10) ($549)

18. Will there be any mention of the NFC Championship game controversy: Yes (-130) or No (+200)? (Result – YES)

Now remember when I said that Robey-Coleman was involved in a helmet to helmet collision in the beginning? Well thankfully, that gave Romo and Nantz a moment to mention why it was almost fitting that he got called for the flag. And thankfully, it ends my losing streak. (Bet $50; Win $38) ($511)

19. Will Nickell Robey-Coleman be flagged for pass interference: Yes (+150) or No (-200)? (Result – NO)

As mentioned before, he did get flagged however not for pass interference. So that bet I just won on Robey-Coleman? Bye! It’s like an offset bet, except I’m losing more than I won. (Bet and lost $50) (-$561)

20. Cross-sport prop bet! Who will score more points on Sunday: Kawhi Leonard (at home vs. Clippers) or The Rams? (Both bets at EVEN) (Result – KAWHI LEONARD)

This was a fun prop bet… had I followed the damn rules! There wasn’t even an option to put money on them to score the same amount of points, and now that I think about it, the payout should’ve been high if they did! Still, Kawhi scored 18 points, which is a lot lower than his average. Coincidentally, the Rams scored nearly 30 points less than their average. (Bet and lost $20) (-$581)

21. Will Mark Wahlberg show up to the game and leave early? (Must leave the stadium no less than 4 minutes left to go in the game): Yes (+550) or No (-1000)? (Result – NO)

F*** YOU MARK WAHLBERG FOR NOT GOING TO THIS GAME AND COSTING ME $1,000!!! (Just kidding, I like Marky Mark). (Bet and lost $1000). (-$1581)

22. Will Gronk retire after the game: Yes (+350) or No (-550)? (Result – NO)

Thank God for Rob Gronkowski. Not just because he gives me a glimmer of hope in a downward gambling spiral, but because after three Super Bowl wins and all of this success, the guy looks like a kid in a candy store when they win. Gronk at the championship parade is what I want to be when I grow up. He’s living his best life, and I’m happy for him. He can retire whenever he wants, but it ain’t right now. (Bet $1000; Won $200) (-$1381)

23. Will Adam Levine rock a hat to start the Maroon 5 performance: Yes (+225) or No (-350)? (Result – NO)

Boy, was I wrong about the halftime show… but not about this. (Bet $100; Won $28) (-$1361)

24. Which song will Maroon 5 open the halftime show with? (Result – HARDER TO BREATHE)

I’ll admit, I did some research into these prop bets and I read that they were planning on incorporating Spongebob into the show thanks to the online petition to have him in there. (Side note: the internet is incredible sometimes.) Spongebob did show up, but honestly it was for ten seconds and it was not what anyone wanted. I was very disappointed in that, largely because I PICKED THE CORRECT SONG AND I WENT WITH SPONGEBOB BECAUSE THE INTERNET TOLD ME TO! I would’ve won $500! (Bet and lost $25) (-$1386)

25. What song will Big Boi perform during the halftime show: The Way You Move (-1000), any other OutKast song (-150) or one of his solo songs (+115)? (Result – THE WAY YOU MOVE)

I should’ve put more down on this one because it was so obvious and I’m literally playing with house money. Also, the best part of the halftime show was Big Boi coming through in the Cadillac because it reminded everyone “Hey! We’re in Atlanta, guys!”. Had that not happened, I don’t know if I would’ve remembered. (Bet $100; Win $10) (-$1376)

26. Will Andre 3000 join Big Boi on stage for an OutKast reunion: Yes (+3000) or No (-3000)? (Result – HELL NO)

Again, I should’ve put money down on this. I could’ve put down like $50,000 Shea Dollars and then I would’ve wiped out my Shea Dollar Debt. Instead, my deficit is still at -$1376.

27. Which team will win the Puppy Bowl: Team Ruff (-7.5, -130) or Team Fluff (+7.5, -110)? (Result – TEAM RUFF)

Much like in the Big Game, the underdog did not come through (unless you’re from Boston and were convinced that the Pats were in fact underdogs). Team Ruff dominated the Puppy Bowl, from what I’m told. Luckily, no one was hurt out there but many people did suffer from severe moments of cuteness. (Bet and lost $50) (-$1426)

28. Will the Puppy Bowl MVP be a full bred or a mixed breed: Full (+425) or Mixed (-800)? (Result – MIXED BREED)

Fun fact: the MVP of the Puppy Bowl is an Australian Shepherd mix named Bumble Bee and she’s pretty incredible. Born deaf and blind, Bumble was rescued from a shelter in Oklahoma City and now lives with a great family in Spokane. As a proud doggie daddy of a shelter pup, this really makes my heart happy even though I lost this bet. You go, Bumble Bee! (Bet and lost $10). (-$1436)

Here’s your champ:

29. Which movie studio will have the most movie trailers: Disney (-200) or any other studio (+350)? (Result – DISNEY)

This one was one of the easiest bets of the day, and it also included arguably my favoriute moment of the Super Bowl: a 30 second trailer for the upcoming superhero extravaganza, Avengers: Endgame. I am a huge fan of the MCU and I was caught off guard by the trailer, which was the first major commercial of the big game. Little did I know that would be the most exciting 30 seconds of the day. (Bet $100; Win $50) (-$1386)

30. How many times will Donald Trump tweet on Super Bowl Sunday: -6.5 (-140) or +6.5 (EVEN)? (Result – UNDER)

This one was a shocker… not only did Trump tweet less than 7 times on Sunday, he didn’t tweet at all during the game. Maybe he was busy trying to salvage what’s left of his terrible presidency? Maybe not, but whatever he was doing it wasn’t tweeting about the game. And like most people who bet on the Donald to come through for them, I lost. (Bet and lost $100) (-$1486)

31. Will someone at your Super Bowl party get mad at Trump: Yes (-200) or No (+150)? (Result – HELL YEAH)

Luckily for me, I don’t like Trump and I did get mad at him for not tweeting. So technically, this is a win. For the first and last time ever, Trump cuts the deficit. (Bet $1000; Win $500) (-$986)

32. Will a player go missing before the game: Yes (+2000) or No (-2000)? (Result – NO, BUT MAYBE?)

Thankfully no one individual person went missing… unless you count the entirety of the Rams offsense, including boy genius Sean McVay. Still, the Barret Robbins story is one of the only instances (reported, at least) of a player going incognito before the biggest game of his life. Still, there are hundreds of milk cartons in LA that have a picture of Todd Gurley’s face on it. I also didn’t bet on this, and I should have. I’m still at -$986.

33. Will Sean Payton storm the field, drop-kick Roger Goodell as he’s handing the winning team the Lombardi Trophy and scream “This one’s for the 405!!”: Yes (+90000000) or No (you get nothing)? (Result – SIGH… NO)

Obviously this didn’t happen, and even if it did I wouldn’t have won anything. At least not in the form of money. It would’ve been satisfying for Goodell to stumble off the podium or something, but the closest anyone came to being involved in a melee was Tracy Wolfson trying to get that postgame Tom Brady interview. I legitimately feared for her life in that scrum, because it looked like a Black Friday at Walmart.

I’m still losing -$986 but whatever…

34. How many beers will I consume during the game: -5.5 (+150) or +5.5 (-150)? (Result – ZERO)

The answer was zero. Fun fact: I don’t like to drink by myself, in my apartment, during the day. Those are my rules. In fact, I only had one drink the entire day so either way the answer was under. Plus, I’m still down -$986 so I can’t afford it right now.

35. And finally… who will win Super Bowl MVP? (Result – JULIAN EDELMAN)

For a while it looked like I could’ve actually hit this one. Hightower and the Pats D put so much pressure on the Rams offense that I was hoping for a sack or a forced fumble. That would’ve solidified my pick and would’ve put me back over on the good side of my Shea Dollar Debt. Instead, Julian Edelman walked away with the MVP honors after reeling in 10 catches for 146 yards, becoming the seventh wide receiver to win the award. He’s always reliable, especially in the postseason, so it’s fitting he gets his due in this game. He’s also the first player to win the award after being suspended the first four games of the season due to PED use. I guess they were extended release PED’s, not rapid release… kidding! I love Edelman. His beard is fantastic. (Bet and lost $10) (-$996)

Well, that’s that… I put down my money and I lost a lot of it. The good news is I didn’t lose $1000 of actual currency. The bad news is I’m pretty sure no one is going to take gambling advice from me in the future, and that’s fine. Like I said in the beginning of this, gambling is not for everyone and if you are gonna do it, be smart about it. Don’t bet $1000 on Mark Wahlberg going to the Super Bowl, because why would you do that? You don’t know Mark Wahlberg, Shea!

For what it’s worth though, I did win my bet for the game. I picked the Patriots to win the game, and the spread I bet at the time was -2.5. I didn’t care if it moved to 3 or 3.5, I was always going to bet on the Patriots because that’s what smart people do. Did I make some stupid wagers on stupid prop bets? Yes, absolutely. Because at the end of the day, the Super Bowl is supposed to be fun and because this was the most boring Super Bowl I’ve ever had to sit through, I’m glad I had these stupid (losing) bets to pay attention to.

Here’s hoping next year is more exciting… Until next season…

SF

Fun fact, I like to gamble. I don’t gamble a lot, nor do I gamble high amounts of money, but I like the idea of wagering. It makes the game a little more interesting. It’s not for everyone, but then again neither am I. The degenerate in me, Tommy the Mutt, is an homage to the late great Jimmy the Greek. Ever since I saw that 30 for 30 documentary about him, I’ve been really interested in point spreads and money lines. With that being said, I pay attention to those things and while I kind of want to, I’m not going to be betting on the Super Bowl with my actual money.

The following prop bets are meant to be fun and not meant to be taken that serious. This is for entertainment purposes, a sort of “game within a game”, if you will. The money I am wagering in this post is fictional, only meant to show the risk/reward of a particular bet and/or to show how likely/unlikely the outcome is. I’m going to be using “Shea Dollars”, which are like “Shchrute Bucks”, but not quite the same. The only thing they have in common are that they are not real currency. Luckily, I have an infinite amount of Shea Dollars to spend this weekend.

A small primer before we move on… for those of you that don’t gamble or understand how it works, I’ll explain it as simply as I can.

Point Spread:

Who Will Win the game? NE -3.0 (-110)/LA +3.0 (-110)

Here, we have New England at -3.0, meaning they are favored to win the game by at least 3 points. Let’s say you place $100 on New England. In order for you to win the bet, New England has to win by more than 3 points. On the flip side, you can bet on LA to lose but in order to win they would have to lose by less than 3. The (-110) reflects the payout of the bet. A (-) means favorite while (+) means underdog. Because the Patriots are a favorite, you would earn less than what you bet, at around $91. On the flip side, if the payout were (+110), you would earn $110. If it’s (EVEN) then you would get $100 back.

Money Line

Who will win the game? NE (-150)/LA (+135)

This is an alternate way to bet on the outcome of the game. Instead of point spreads, this is a straight up “who wins this game” bet. The same payout rules apply, and sometimes this is an easier bet to make. If you feel confident that one team will win, regardless of score, this is a simple way to look at it. We’ll use this when it comes to bets with multiple options (MVP, first catch, first TD, etc.). The higher the (+), the higher the payout ($100 on +1000 = $1000), and the lower the (-) the lower the payout ($100 on -1000 = $10).

Hopefully all of this makes sense! Here are some of the fun prop bets I’m looking at:

1. How many plays will Tony Romo correctly predict during the broadcast: -7.5 (+115) or +7.5 (-155)?

Ahh… Tony Romo… what a great place to start. We hated him as a player, but damn is he good in the booth! One of the more fun things about a Romo broadcast is how often his predicts the next play, and I think he does it again this Sunday. However, more than 8 times seems like a lot. I’ll put $30 (Shea Dollars) on under (-155) but honestly he can do it as much as he wants. (Win = $19)

2. What will take longer: Gladys Knight singing the National Anthem (+105) or the first scoring drive (-145)?

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One of the prop bets asks is Gladys Knight will sing the anthem longer or shorter than 1:49, so this is an interesting bet. If the Pats get the ball, I think they can hold on to it for a few minutes before a FG. If it’s the Rams, it could be quicker. As for Ms. Gladys, she’s a legend and she can sing the anthem as long as she wants. I’m putting $25 on the (-145) on the first drive. (Win = $17.24)

3. Will the first player to score a TD wear a jersey number higher 26 (-140) or lower than 26 (EVEN)?

For context, it has to be the player that crosses the end zone. So Brady (12) or Goff (16) can only get this if they rush it in (or catch it, a la Philly Special). Unless Edelman (11) or Brandin Cooks (12) gets into the end zone first, I’m putting $40 on higher than 26 (-140). (Win +$28.57)

4. Will a kick be returned for a TD: Yes (+525) or No (-900)?

While this has happened before, it’s pretty rare in the biggest game of the year. Both teams have good special teams, but nothing too flashy. Smart money says No, however we’re not playing with real money and the payout is much better on the other side. Whether it’s a punt or a kickoff, I’ll go small on my wager and take a chance on it. $10 on Yes (+525). (Win = $52)

5. How many times will the broadcast mention Sean McVay’s age: +1.5 (-270) or +1.5 (+180)?

Sean McVay, 33, is the youngest person to ever coach in the Super Bowl. I’ve talked about it my last post, and every sports outlet has talked about this all year. The trend continues on Sunday. I’ll put $150 down on the over (-270). (Win = $55)

6. What color of Gatorade will be dumped on the coach: Lime/Green/Yellow (+250), Orange (+450), Red (+700), Blue (+400), Purple (+1200) or Clear/Water (+160)?

This one has nothing to do with the game, and honestly unless you know the equipment managers it’s kind of hard to determine. Orange has been used a lot lately, and I think they’re gonna switch it up. I just don’t know which one. I will say this though… both teams have blue in their team colors/uniforms. If I put $10 on this, I’d get $40. And since this is a stupid, anything can happen bet… I’ll put $10 on PURPLE (+1200), because the Pats colors are Red and Blue, and that makes Purple and that’s friggin’ science, you guys. (Win = $120).

7. Will a fan run onto the field during the game: Yes (+450) or No (-850)?

There’s no way this happens, given all of the security at the game. The odds/payouts seem a little low though… +450 if this guy runs? It should be +45000, then I’d put a $1 down. Since that’s not the case, I’ll put $1,000 on No (Win = $117)

8. Will a non-QB throw a TD pass: Yes (+250) or No (-400)?

Looking at this one, I can see where they got the +250 from. Last year, the best play of the game was “The Philly Special” which saw QB Nick Foles fake out the Patriots and run his route as a receiver, catching a pass for a TD. So there’s precedence. Julian Edelman played QB in college, and Rams punter (!) Johnny Hekker has been known to fake and get big plays out of it. Still, I’m gonna put $100 on No (-400). No Philly Special this year. (Win = $25).

9. Will both teams score a combined 76 points: Yes (+400) or No (-700)?

This is a fun one because I actually picked the game at 38-34, which is a combined total of 72. I already think people should bet the over, which is currently at 57.5 points. Part of me almost wanted to pick 40-37, so I’m a little tempted to pick yes… I’ll put $50 on Yes (+400) and hope for the highest scoring game in Super Bowl History. (Win = $200)

10. Will there be offset penalties called: Yes (+220) or No (-340)?

I think this is more common than it seems. Say there’s an offsides on the defense but one of the OL was holding. Offset! Also because I want to scream Offset, in honor of Migos. I’ll put $25 on Yes (+220). (Win = $55)

11. Will any QB throw for more than 400 yards: Yes (+175) or No (-260)?

I’m a little surprised by this one… In the last two Super Bowls, Tom Brady threw for 466 yards against Atlanta and 505 yards against Philadelphia. That’s insane. Word on the street is New England is going to run the ball a lot, but Goff can sling it too. Plus, I’ve already said this will be a shootout. I’ll put $50 on Yes (+175). (Win = $87.50)

12. Will a TD be overturn by replay: Yes (+140) or No (-190)?

This would be a game changer, for sure. If you’re looking for some (extra) controversy, you want this to happen. Last year the Eagles found themselves in this situation with the game winning Zach Ertz touchdown. It wasn’t overturned and they won the game. I don’t think it’ll happen in this game, but you never know in a Patriots game. I’ll put $50 on No (-190). (Win = $26)

13. Will Johnny Hekker attempt a fake punt pass: Yes (+250) or No (-500)?

As I mentioned before, Hekker has completed a number of fake punts this season and last. Even Bill Belichek said that Hekker was one of the best weapons they had on the team. I don’t know if he was trolling the Rams or not, but the fact that he’s aware of how they use Hekker gives me cause to pause. Plus, Belichek would look dumb as hell if he let that happen. I’ll put $100 on No (-500), but that would be their equivalent of the Philly Special if they pull it off. (Win = $20).

14. Will the game be tied again after 0-0: Yes (-180) or No (+140)?

There are a lot of ways this one could play out, and because of that I’m going to say it’s more than likely. I’ll put $50 on Yes (-180). (Win = $27)

15. Will there be a roughing the passer penalty called: Yes (-155) or No (+115)?

Is Tom Brady playing? He is? Then I’m putting $500 on Yes (-155). (Win = $322)

16. How many times will the broadcast show Roger Goodell: -3.5 (+200) or +3.5 (-110)?

Goodell is probably the most hated man in the NFL. They’re going to mention him more than once, and when they do they’ll show him in his box suite. I think a better bet would be who will be shown more: Pats owner Robert Kraft, Roger Goodell or Gisele Bundchen? Since that’s not what we’re betting on, I’ll put $10 on -3.5 (+200). (Win = $20).

17. Will any of the “gates” be mentioned during the broadcast: Yes (+200) or No (-200)?

I’m putting $10 on Yes (+200). If they’re gonna show Goodell, you better believe they at least mention “Deflate Gate”, even if it’s just in passing. See, this is where I wish I could parlay these prop bets. For those that don’t know, a parlay is where you can combine bets to get a bigger payout. For example, I would parlay this one with the previous $10 bet and if I were to get both correct, my payout would be four times the amount. (Win = $20; with parlay = $80)

18. Will there be any mention of the NFC Championship game controversy: Yes (-130) or No (+200)?

I do think at some point there will be a mention of this, whether it’s in the pregame or when the camera pans to Nickell Robey-Coleman. It’s been the most talked about story leading into this game, so I’m putting $50 on Yes (-130). (Win = $38)

19. Will Nickell Robey-Coleman be flagged for pass interference: Yes (+150) or No (-200)?

Not only should he be flagged for pass interference, but it should be the first play of the game. I don’t care if he’s on the field or not. He should’ve been flagged a couple of weeks ago. You see that picture. The Pats are going to go at him because he’s a defensive liability, and because of that, I like the odds. I’ll put $50 on Yes (+150). (Win = $75)

20. Cross-sport prop bet! Who will score more points on Sunday: Kawhi Leonard (at home vs. Clippers) or The Rams? (Both bets at EVEN)

This is a fun bet. No one is going to watch the Clips/Raptors game, but let me just put it into perspective: Kawhi Leonard, an MVP candidate, is currently averaging 27.6 ppg. The LA Rams averaged 32.9 ppg in the regular season. I have the Rams scoring 34 in this game. Do I think Kawhi can get 35? Against the Clippers? I’ll put $20 on Kawhi and The Rams to both score 34 (+1000). (Win = $200)

21. Will Mark Wahlberg show up to the game and leave early? (Must leave the stadium no less than 4 minutes left to go in the game): Yes (+550) or No (-1000)?

Mark Wahlberg will absolutely be at this game, but leaving early? I have no idea. I can’t imagine he would, and even if he did, how would we know? Give me $100 on No (-1000). (Win = $10).

22. Will Gronk retire after the game: Yes (+350) or No (-550)?

Rob Gronkowski is one of the best tight ends to ever play the game. If the Patriots win, which I think they will, he’d have three Super Bowl wins to his name. He doesn’t look as dominant as he once was, and he’s got a bright future as an entertainer (think Shaquille O’Neal but of the NFL). I do think he’s going to retire, but not after the game. Give me $1000 on No (-550). (Win = $200).

23. Will Adam Levine rock a hat to start the Maroon 5 performance: Yes (+225) or No (-350)?

I like Maroon 5, so I’m going to be watching this game. If he comes out wearing a hat, I’m going to be pissed. I’ll put $100 on No (-350). (Win = $28)

24. Which song will Maroon 5 open the halftime show with?

Ok this can go so many different ways, and there aren’t any odds/payouts available so I’ll just make one up… If I had to guess a favorite, I’d say it would be “Girls Like You” (+200) even though Cardi B isn’t going to be there. In fact, a lot of their songs have featured acts on them. If it were me, I’d open the show with Harder to Breathe (+2000), because it’s a great kickoff song from one of their first albums. It won’t be She Will Be Loved (+400) because they should save that for the end. This Love (+550) was their first big hit and it would make sense to start there, but I don’t know… I’ll put $25 on Maroon 5 singing the Spongebob Squarepants “Sweet Victory” (+4500) song to start the show. (Win = $1,125)

25. What song will Big Boi perform during the halftime show: The Way You Move (-1000), any other OutKast song (-150) or one of his solo songs (+115)?

He’s gotta do The Way You Move. The pairing of Maroon 5, Big Boi and Travis Scott is one of the weirdest I’ve seen in a while, but I’m looking forward to it. Would Big Boi do an OutKast song without Dre? I think so, but The Way You Move is technically an OutKast song that just features himself. So I’ll put $100 on The Way You Move (-1000). (Win = $10).

26. Will Andre 3000 join Big Boi on stage for an OutKast reunion: Yes (+3000) or No (-3000)?

Hell no. But this would honestly be the best moment of the night if it were to happen. I would spit my beer out and cry. I want this to happen so bad. I’m not even going to bet on this one, and neither should you.

27. Which team will win the Puppy Bowl: Team Ruff (-7.5, -130) or Team Puff (+7.5, -110)?

Arguably my favorite bet of the night, simply because degenerate gamblers will find anything to bet on. Anything. Isn’t this already taped before the Super Bowl? That means someone has to have the results. The wise guys are gonna move the line closer to halftime, but for now I’m gonna put $50 on Team Puff (+7.5, -110), because I like a good underdog story. Pun very much intended. (Win = $45)

28. Will the Puppy Bowl MVP be a full bred or a mixed breed: Full (+425) or Mixed (-800)?

Fun fact: my gambling alter ego’s name is Tommy the Mutt, so I feel like I want to go the route of mixed breed. However, Tommy the Mutt is a degenerate and he would say take the full breed (+425). So give me $10 on Full Bred (+425). (Win = $42.50)

29. Which movie studio will have the most movie trailers: Disney (-200) or any other studio (+350)?

This is for the people who “only watch the game for the commercials”. Granted, there are some pretty dope movie trailers that debut on Super Bowl Sunday. This one is a lot easier than the odds. Disney owns everything, including Marvel, Pixar and Star Wars. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see 4 Disney trailers this Sunday. I’ll put $100 on Disney (-200). (Win = $50).

30. How many times will Donald Trump tweet on Super Bowl Sunday: -6.5 (-140) or +6.5 (EVEN)?

You know this is gonna happen… regardless of the controversies surrouding both Trump and the NFL, there’s no way I can see a scenario where Trump’s just gonna sit there and not say something. The Super Bowl is the most watched television event of the year in America, and for a guy who craves attention all the time, he’s gonna have to do something to get some eyeballs on him. I’ll put $100 on -6.5 (-140). (Win = $71)

31. Will someone at your Super Bowl party get mad at Trump: Yes (-200) or No (+150)?

I’m most likely gonna be by myself for the game, and I’m a card carrying Democrat, so the answer is an obvious yes. And even statistically speaking, someone is going to get mad at him. It just happens. Unless you’re watching the game at Mar a Lago, in which case you’re contractually obligated to never be mad at Trump. So there’s a lot of factors in play. Give me $1000 on Yes (-200). (Win = $500)

32. Will a player go missing before the game: Yes (+2000) or No (-2000)?

True story: Barret Robbins was a Pro Bowl offensive lineman for the Oakland Raiders in 2002, and one of the leaders of the offense that led them to Super Bowl XXXVII in San Diego. However, on the day before the big game, Robbins stopped taking his depression medication and went partying in Tijuana. Apparently, he thought they had already won the game and was celebrating their “victory”. He was so trashed when he showed up to the hotel that the coaches left him off the roster. As for the game? Well… They got trounced 48-21 by my TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS BABY!!! There’s really no bet here, I just wanted to point out how insane that Super Bowl victory is for the Bucs.

33. Will Sean Payton storm the field, drop-kick Roger Goodell as he’s handing the winning team the Lombardi Trophy and scream “This one’s for the 405!!”: Yes (+90000000) or No (you get nothing)?

This would be the greatest moment in NFL history. Picture this for a second… Roger Goodell has all of this security around him going up to the podium. He says his bullshit and hands Tom Brady or Bill Belicheck the Lombardi trophy and then all of the sudden you hear a yell… but not just a fan cheering kind of yell, more like a battle cry. Goodell turns around only to see two feet coming directly to his chest. It’s Sean Payton. He rips his shirt off and pumps the crowd up. Out of fear, Belichek hands him the Lombardi trophy. Payton turns to the camera that’s on him and says “This one’s for the 405”! Then both teams carry him off the field because they’re afraid they’re next.

That won’t happen though. The Patriots are going to win and life will continue it’s same old song and dance. But we can dream though…

34. How many beers will I consume during the game: -5.5 (+150) or +5.5 (-150)?

This one is for you guys to do. I’m not telling you what my plan is, because I’m not betting on this one. That wouldn’t be ethical. So you guys check out those odds and go with your gut!

35. And finally… who will win Super Bowl MVP?

This one is the biggest crap shoot of all. There are so many different options, but I’ll list the ones I think have a chance. Naturally, the quarterbacks have the best odds: Brady (+140) and Goff (+250). But then you look at some like Todd Gurley (+900), who could very well have a huge game. Same with Sony Michel (+1200), especially if the Patriots plan on a heavy running attack. But I’m looking at the LA defense and I think someone like Aqib Talib (+9000) could have a big moment in this game, and if he were to get a pick six and they win the game… that’s your MVP.

Other guys like Brandin Cooks (+4000), Julian Edelman (+2000) and Robert Woods (+5000) have big play potential, but the QB would most likely get more of the credit. That’s why I kind of like James White (+2000) as a sleeper. In the Super Bowl win against Atlanta, White had 14 catches out of the backfield. He’s a darkhorse to get a least 9 receptions and he could find himself in the end zone once or twice. I also love Aaron Donald (+1800) in this game because I think he’s the best player in this game on either team. Still, I think the Patriots are ultimately going to win and Tom Brady will be the reason why, but if I’m gonna put my fake money on a bet I’m putting $10 on Donta Hightower (+17500) because that payout would be nice and I’d look like a genius if I got that right. (Win = $1,750)

So, there’s that. I could win over $5,500 Shea Dollars if I get all of them correctly (I probably won’t but whatever). Like I said at the start, this is all meant to be in fun and not meant to be taken that seriously. If you are gonna gamble, please do it responsibly and know when it’s time to walk away. Either way, I hope everyone has a fun Super Bowl Sunday!

Here’s another pic from the Puppy Bowl (not gonna lie, it’s cute).

Until Next Time…

SF

Well… it’s that time of year again. Another football season is coming to an end and the majority of us fans will be watching the Super Bowl. Unless you’re a New England fan, there’s really nothing at stake (not LA though… I’ll get to that later). If you’re a fan of any of the other 30 teams in the NFL, this is the both the best and most depressing weekend of the year. For some of us, football in February is a rare thing.

I am a lifelong Bucs fan. I remember going to games at the “Old Sombrero” when I was a kid, including falling into a big cooler like a dumbass. I also remember that wasn’t even the worst thing to happen that day; the Bucs still had to finish the game, after all. I’ve seen them lose a lot more than I’ve seen them win. But that one time they won… oh, buddy… let me tell you about that real quick:

It was 2002-03. The Bucs acquired Jon Gruden in a trade with Oakland. You read that correctly. It’s a weird thing, but it’s something a team like the Bucs would do. Behind one of the best defenses in NFL history, the Bucs FINALLY beat the Eagles and headed to the Super Bowl to play Oakland. And it wasn’t even close. The Bucs flat out demolished the Raiders, to the point where we all kind of knew by halftime that they were going to win. We had a huge party at my mom’s house and no one could believe that what at once seemed impossible was actually happening before our eyes.

Of course, the Bucs have only been in the playoffs twice since then, the last being in 2007. Gruden left shortly after, all of the old franchise players were cut in dramatic fashion and the team hasn’t had an true identity since that Super Bowl run. The past ten years or so have been dreadful, with the exception of a couple of moments. Next to the Browns, the Bucs are probably the worst team of the 2010’s. If the Browns make the playoffs next year, which is more likely than the Bucs, then the Bucs would be the only team in the NFL to miss the playoffs in this decade. Yikes.

I’m not mad about this, though. I can’t have nice things, I’m used to this. The Bucs are a constant reminder of this. But on Super Bowl weekend none of this matters because as NFL fans we all have something in common when it’s all over: we’re all 0-0. It’s a brand new season. Sure, the Bucs will find a way to screw things up. I know they will. However, for a few months, anything is possible. We may not win the postseason, but we always win the offseason. I guess that’s something to be happy about, right?

This year’s Super Bowl is a repeat of something we’ve already seen before. Brady, Belicheck and the Patriots are back in the big game. Yippee. The team potentially on the wrong side of history this Sunday? The Los Angeles Rams, who by all accounts probably shouldn’t even be here to begin with (yes, I saw that NFC Championship game, even though the refs didn’t). Personally, I would’ve liked a Brady vs. Brees matchup. Since we can’t have that story, I’m going to list a few of the stories that I find interesting this Sunday:

The last time the Patriots beat the Rams in the Super Bowl — Brady’s first — Rams head coach Sean McVay was sixteen years old. His quarterback, Jared Goff, was seven. To put it in perspective, I was twelve. Since that day, Bill Belicheck and Tom Brady have been to nine Super Bowls — out of a possible eighteen — and won five of them. They are without a doubt the best coach/QB duo in NFL History. It’s crazy to imagine, but back then who knew that those two would accomplish all of that?

Brady was a sixth round pick. Belicheck was a journeyman coach, notably a coordinator under Bill Parcells. It’s not like these guys were world beaters or made anyone really intimidated. Brady could barely keep his starting job at Michigan and Belicheck’s previous head coaching gig was with the Browns. The Browns… There’s no way anyone thought this team would be as dominant as they were, especially considering they were heavy underdogs going into their first win.

I remember that first Pats vs Rams game back in 2002. It’s crazy to think about it now, but the Patriots were big underdogs in that game and they also had just come off a championship game filled with controversy. The friggin’ Tuck Rule. Tom Brady wasn’t even the opening day starter! Hell, had they lost, who knows if Bledsoe doesn’t come back and take his starting spot. That game changed everything in the NFL… maybe it’s reversed this year?

What we have here is the past, present and future of football, all wrapped up in one game. The first Brady/Belicheck dynasty is a thing of the past, while this current Brady/Belicheck dynasty is going on it’s third straight appearance, the fifth of this decade. The future of the league… well, look no further than the other side of the field.

Goff was the first overall pick in 2016 and McVay was viewed as a “coaching prodigy” — maybe even the next Belicheck.The Rams have one of the most potent offenses in the league, in line with “The Greatest Show on Turf” Rams of Kurt Warner days. McVay has been touted as one of the smartest offensive coaches in recent memory, with the Rams averaging 32 points per game on over 400 yards per game. Much like Belicheck, it has sparked a “McVay effect”, where other teams are scooping up his assistants in hopes of getting a guy like him.

Oh yeah, and McVay is only 33. I’m 29. I know my parents are proud of me, but they should be more proud of Sean McVay because that’s impressive. I can barely get through life on my own and this guy is corralling grown ass men to hit other grown ass men and he’s getting people paid in the process. Unbelievable. Good for him, but damn he’s making me look bad!

For McVay, this game is going to be a chess match and, unfortunately, Bill Belicheck plays on a different board. Every little scheme you draw up, The Hoodie has a counter move. He doesn’t say much in press conferences and it pays off. He’s the king of evading questions and giving you a glimpse into their game plan, but we all know one thing he needs to address in order to win, and it’s not the high flying offense.

Aaron Donald is one of the best players in the NFL, regardless of position. His 20.5 sacks are the most a player has had entering the Super Bowl since Lawrence Taylor did it in 1987. He’s a monster on the field and is a matchup nightmare for any team. Still, can he get to Brady? He hasn’t been sacked at all during the playoffs. Belicheck’s going to do whatever he can to stop him, but if Donald has a big impact on the game Sunday it’ll justify something big for players at his position.

In the offseason, he was given a huge contract that made him the highest paid defensive player in history. Six years, $135 million. He’s getting quarterback money. That prompted fellow defensive monster Khalil Mack to demand his way out of Oakland and get a super deal from Chicago, who won the NFC North off the strength of that defense. Other players of their caliber are going to see this and say, you know what, we deserve some of that recognition, too. Mediocre quarterbacks can get paid $100 million, so why shouldn’t the best of the best at their respective positions get the same treatment?

Still, this is a quarterback driven league and no one drives that point home than the GOAT himself, Tom Brady. There’s no more debate, win or lose, he is the best to ever do it. He has the most basic sounding name of all time, but you know what? My name is Tom. Technically. (Don’t tell my mom that though) My dad’s name is Tom. Thomas Jefferson? He was a Tom. Tom Petty. Tom Sawyer. Major Tom. The list goes on and on, but the point is simple: Toms are great. Therefore, Tom Brady is the GOAT. Also because he has five rings.

Brady’s last two Super Bowl wins — 2015 against the Seahawks and 2017 against the Falcons — were won with Brady’s back against the wall. The Seahawks had a historically great defense and were in the process of building a dynasty of their own. Brady led them down to score with a couple of minutes left in the game, and thanks to a miracle interception they won the game. A year later, the Patriots were down 28-3 to a historically great offense in the Falcons and managed to comeback to win the game 34-28 in overtime. Both games saw Brady have to pull them back in the end, and both times I said the same thing: you can’t bet against a guy named Tom.

The best thing about Tom Brady is his sense of comedic timing. Recently, he chanted “We’re still here” to a crowd of rowdy Pats fans, as if anyone really thought they were underdogs. I think what he meant to say was “I’m still here”and we all just kinda take him at his word for it. Granted, Brady is 41 and this is something we’ve never seen before. It’s almost as if we’re waiting for him to just fall apart on the field, but he never does. Go look at that picture from before and look at him now. The dude doesn’t age, on or off the field. He wants to play until he’s 45 and he probably could. It’s incredible.

However, I really want him to finish this thing up. Maybe it’s the millennial in me, but there’s nothing more frustrating than watching an old guy not want to leave his job and let a younger person thrive. I love Brady, don’t get me wrong… but if he wins this game, for the love of God, he needs to retire! I’m tired of seeing the Patriots in the Super Bowl. I want all of this to be over so a new team can have a chance. You know, maybe the Bucs or something, I don’t know. I’m just saying.

(Quick Rant: I need to talk about Maroon 5 for a second… I may be on an island right now with this take but I’m actually really looking forward to their performance. I understand the controversy about why some acts turned down the show but that’s not my concern. Why can’t Maroon 5 be doing it anyway? They’ve been around since 2002 and they have consistently put out hits. I just don’t understand the hate, personally. What’s so bad about Adam Levine and the six (!!!) other members of the band? What did Maroon 5 do to you, besides give you groovy tunes to make you feel good? This is why we can’t have nice things.) (Sorry if that got weird…)

You know what else is weird? We’re getting another Boston vs LA sports championship, only this time it’s in football. And there’s still a possibility that the Lakers and Celtics could meet in the Finals this year. That’s insane when you think about it. What’s even more insane is that because of the Lakers, I’ve barely heard anyone talk about the Rams.

Say what you will about Boston sports fans, they represent hard for their teams and it’s not just Boston; if you live in the greater New England area, you live and die by those teams. I can’t say that about LA fans, who have two teams in the same city and yet no one seems to care. What should be a raucous two weeks of celebrating is being over shadowed by the NBA.

(Side note: speaking fans, you really gotta feel bad for New Orleans sports fans right now. First they get screwed by the refs against the Rams and now they’re about to lose their biggest basketball star, Anthony Davis to — you guessed it — Los Angeles. If I’m from the NOLA, I’m putting a voodoo curse on every sports team in LA.)

When the Bucs went to the Super Bowl, it’s all we talked about in Tampa. I remember going to the stadium when the team got back from Philly right before the big game. It was madness. Everyone was hyped and ready to kick ass in San Diego. In LA, it’s like “oh nice, the football team won a game”. It feels like they don’t care, plain and simple. These people are going to get a Super Bowl trophy and they don’t even deserve it. Not like the Patriots need anymore trophies, though.

But could this be the end of an era and the dawn of a new one? Is this win going to spark the “LA Fanbase” and start a new dynasty? Or is this going to be one last hurrah for the two GOATs? My answer is no to all of those questions, oddly enough.

While I think the Rams have the more talented team and are laying the blueprint for the future of the NFL, it’s really hard for me to go against a team that’s been there before, and so recently to boot. Sean McVay, Jared Goff, Todd Gurley and Aaron Donald are all going to be playing in this game in the future. But the this is the present, and presently, Tom Brady and Bill Belicheck are still on the other side. And as long as that stays the same, so will the outcome of the NFL.

Patriots 38, Rams 34 (MVP – Brady)

Until next time…

SF

“We’re still here! We’re still here!” – Tom Brady, stand-up comedian

2019 hasn’t shown much of a change in my life, which I highlighted in my last post — which by the way, I understand I haven’t been churning these out like I said I would, and that’s on me. I’ll change that. The problem is, I have some great posts on the way, but I need things to talk about before I publish some of them. One of them is on the Super Bowl, which I’m almost finished with. Another is about my journey into musical superstardom with the band Sister Grim, which is a little longer and almost finished. However… After sitting here all week, occasionally watching sketches from one of my favorite shows, Saturday Night Live, I figured out what I need to talk about…

We need to talk about Halsey… again.

Halsey, for those that don’t remember my post dedicated entirely to her is a musical enigma that has divided the people (or at least me). I’m still not sure if I like her, but I have made some new developments in this case study: SNL likes her. That may not mean much to a lot of people, but to some (me) SNL is hallowed ground. A performance on the show is a great way to get more exposure, but Halsey isn’t just going to perform this Saturday night… she’s hosting, as well.

This is where things got interesting for me. I’m an SNL aficionado and I have seen practically every episode this century. I know It’s not uncommon for a host to also be the musical guest. Hell, just last year Chance the Rapper stepped on the stage and did a surprisingly great job handling double duty. The year before it was Childish Gambino, the year before that it was Ariana Grande, before that it was Drake… you get the picture. These are superstars in their own fields, but they all have something in common: they’re also actors.

Drake, as many of us know, started out on the Canadian teen soap opera Degrassi for several years before taking over everyone’s Spotify playlist. Ariana Grande got her start on Nickelodeon. Before he was known as Childish Gambino — and before he created Atlanta — Donald Glover started a comedy troupe known as Derrick Comedy and ended up winning an Emmy for his writing contributions on 30 Rock.

Side note: The Childish Gambino episode from last season is one of my all-time favorites. Every sketch is executed in near-perfect fashion, and Glover really owns sketch he’s in. His comedic timing, his characters — and I’m assuming he had a hand in writing maybe just a little — it’s all great. Not to mention he’s a hell of a musical act, as well. There are some hosts who come on the show who seem like natural fits, and it’s amazing to me that Donald Glover was never a cast member on the show. Imagine how differently his career would be if it were SNL and not 30 Rock? I think about this from time to time, I don’t know why. Anyway…

Go down the list and you’ll see some other familiar names who have done it more than once… Jennifer Lopez has hosted twice (2001, 2010), Miley Cyrus (2013, 2015), and the musical/host GOAT Justin Timberlake, who’s hosted three times and made numerous appearances as an “honorary cast member” (similar to Donald Glover, he just feels like he could’ve been a cast member). Those performers all have acting chops, even though they are known more for their music, but they have the star power and stage presence to carry the show. They are, in some ways, bigger than the show.

So why does all of this matter? (It doesn’t.) I’m just really curious as to how and why Halsey was the one chosen for this distinct honor. Sure, there have been some double duty hosts who didn’t blow the doors off of the show, and there are some that are definite head scratchers (Blake Shelton?), but they were at least established long enough to warrant the consideration. Take Taylor Swift for example… she may not be the funniest person in the world, but she’s easily one of the biggest stars of her generation. Same with Britney Spears, a juggernaut in the 2000’s who hosted the show (twice!). If you’re a big enough fixture in pop culture, you’re gonna be on the show.

Now, there are some cases where the host/musical guest has surprised me and made me somewhat of a fan. Take Lady Gaga for instance… she hosted the show back in 2013 and I have to admit, she did a pretty good job. Looking back on the episode, it’s easy to see why she’s now nominated for Best Actress for A Star Is Born: she’s a hell of an entertainer. It was actually SNL’s highest rated episode of the season and it has some pretty solid sketches (and also features a now very cringeworthy performance with R. Kelly). I wasn’t the biggest fan of her music, but it’s hard to deny the impact she’s had in this decade. It also made sense for her to host: her extravagant red-carpet outfits took on personas of their own, much like an SNL skit. And much like Timberlake and Bruno Mars (hosted in 2012), the SNL gig paved the way for a Super Bowl performance.

Halsey is no Lady Gaga. Very few people in the history of life are like Lady Gaga. However, Halsey doesn’t have to be. She just needs to be herself. This is an introduction for many people who don’t know much about her. Will she get a Super Bowl halftime show? Will she get starring movie roles? Will she get nominated for an Oscar? Who knows. But this is a chance to answer my now two year old question: Are we sure we like Halsey? I’m not expecting her to put on an all-time great performance, but I am expecting to get some clarity.

By Sunday, thanks to football, no one is going to know what happened on Saturday. The conversation will be dominated by Tom Brady. We might talk about how the Patriots won a sixth Super Bowl, possibly controversially, or we might discuss how Sean McVay is the next Bill Belicheck. We might even talk about Tony Romo, and how it’s his first Super Bowl ever, even though he’s not actually on the field. Everyone in New Orleans is going to talk about how none if it matters because the Saints got hosed two weeks ago. We might even talk about Maroon 5’s halftime show and the lack of people that wanted to join them onstage. But Pepsi, the halftime show sponsors, might be talking about something else: Are we sure we like Halsey… for the Super Bowl?

You never know… She’s performed on the show as a musical guest, most recently with Lil Wayne this past year. However, the stakes are a little higher this time around. This is a big moment for her career. Much like a certain singer-songwriter before her, A Star Might Be Born this Saturday night. I hope so. At least so I can put this debate to rest, once and for all. I want to go back to writing about my problems in life, not Halsey’s!

Until Next Time… (which will be tomorrow, for my Super Bowl post).

SF

“Live from New York… It’s Saturday Night!” – Don Pardo, SNL